When I was staying in the halfway house during my first year of sobriety, I remember someone coming up with the phrase, “God Winks”, in other words, signs from God. I remember liking the idea of them being winks, like God was smiling at me and giving me little subtle hints of His works. What I have found over the years is that these God winks can come in all different shapes and sizes, some that are so big that you truly feel the power of God, and some that are so small that if you don’t keep your eyes open, you might miss them. They can come in the form of life events, feelings, and of course, other beautiful human beings.
The first time I felt the true power of God, I was riding in the back of a police van, coming from jail and riding to the prison in Raleigh. I think the only way to properly explain this story, is to start from the beginning. I had been in jail for almost 2 months out of my 5 month sentence. I was almost a year sober at the time. The PLAN, or so I thought, was that I would finish the 2 months in jail, and then be moved to Black Mountain (a DOC Women’s Treatment Facility) for my remaining 3 months. Why did I think this was the plan? Well maybe because the judge, my lawyer, and probation officer all seemed to be on board with this same plan. I remember the day they called me out of my cell to tell me it was time to go away. I thought, okay, I guess I’m going to Black Mountain early, although, I had a feeling that something just wasn’t quite right.
Being the controlling, perfectionist that I am, of course I proceeded to ask the jail officers where I was going and they proceeded to tell me: to a 13 month sentence at the Raleigh prison. Wait, WHAT? THIS WASN’T THE PLAN!!! I didn’t understand what was going on and I knew it wasn’t right, but when you are in jail and being led around in handcuffs, you don’t really have any other options but to do as you are told and agree with what they are saying. I got in the back of that van, scared to death, trying to think of how I was going to figure this one out, and we started our journey to Raleigh. But what ended up happening in that van, was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt the true presence of God. I felt a wave of peace, calm and serenity, a feeling that I had NEVER experienced before in my life and in that moment I was happy. Happy that I was going to real deal prison? Hell no. But I WAS happy because I knew without a doubt that God had my back and I WOULD be able to get through this.
Feeling of God: check. What happened next, was truly another huge wink from God. We were probably no more than 10 minutes away from Raleigh and the driver of the van got a phone call. All at once, she took the first exit and changed directions, going back where we came from. She stated that the call she got was from someone from jail, a guardian angel of sorts, and that they had made a mistake with me. I was not supposed to go to Raleigh, but instead Black Mountain, so she was taking me back to jail where I would wait for my ride to Black Mountain. Was this real? Did this really just happen? Was this a coincidence or was it God?
People of God: next check. What I later found out, was the back story behind everything that happened with me that day. My mom had called the jail for some reason or another, and found out that I was being shipped to Raleigh. From there, she called my lawyer, who immediately called my probation officer and the judge who presided over my case. The next thing we know (or I should say that my mom knows) is that all 3 of them are huddled in the judge’s chambers to figure out how to get me back and get me to where I really needed to go. By some miracle, they made it in the nick of time with 10 minutes to spare. The judge was actually the guardian angel who called the jail and told them to stop that van and bring it back. That chain of events, still baffles me to this day and every time I think about it, sends chills up and down my spine: God winks to the highest degree.
I have to keep this experience close to my heart, because I don’t know if I have ever quite felt that kind of God presence again in my life. Yes, of course I have had moments of peace and clarity, nudges in this direction or that direction. I have had signs from God that came through other people, and I have had feelings, such as at my wedding, that I did in fact feel the presence of God through my husband and everyone else there to love and support us. I am learning to hold on to every single one of these God winks and to keep my eyes open for more to come.
As I was thinking about what to write for today, thousands of thoughts seemed to swarm in my head, and I have determined that it feels like there just isn’t enough time in the world to express it all. But, as any good perfectionist, alcoholic would say, I will do it anyways. So here we go on to our next blog post.
I had a conversation with someone today about living in the moment and today, this phrase seemed to catch me off guard. I remember when I was newly sober, thinking life was so horrible, and just waiting for it to be tomorrow, next month, next year, 5 years from now. I guess I thought that I wasn’t really living yet. The FIREWORKS hadn’t started yet. I had rules and regulations, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do, and I was just doing the same things, day in and day out. I couldn’t wait for it to be in the future, to be through with everything that I had to get through, to get a boyfriend, to get my own place, to get a good job, to get my license back, so on and so forth. The life that I was living at the time, just didn’t seem to be good enough.
Well, today, I can honestly say that I am currently residing in that woman’s future, and STILL its not good enough. I own a home, my very first home, and I look around thinking, I want bigger bathrooms and closets, new floors, fresh paint, a new kitchen, a garage, a pool, new furniture, the list could go on and on. I think about the health issues that I am having and want to be in the future, where I have no health issues, we are more financially stable, and can truly think about having a child. I think about the job that I have and how I wish I could already be in the future, where I can make just a little more money so I that I can actually survive.
I guess the point that I am trying to make is, that for humans, and especially for alcoholics, such as myself, that nothing ever seems to be good enough. We want to hurry to the future where things can be “bigger and better”, so we think. But here’s the thing. When did we stop living in the present? Isn’t that what life is about, living in the moment and taking every moment in to the absolute fullest? I look back on my early sober years and I think about how much I must have missed, by being so focused on the future, thinking things should be grander than it was in the present moment. Maybe I missed some important conversations or some signs from God. Maybe I missed a good laugh, a hug, or a smile. Maybe I missed being able to just BE.
Just for today, I will choose to live in today. I will choose to be grateful. Because here’s the truth of it, I have SO much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends, a loving and wonderful husband, the sweetest fur babies, a supportive and loving family, a job, a roof over my head, enough money to pay the bills, and a couple of cars that my husband gets to drive me around in. Instead of rushing through life just to get to the other side, I will take the time to hug my husband and give him a kiss after a long days work, I will take the time to cuddle with my dogs, I will take the time to text a friend, I will take the time to talk to God, and I will take the time to tell someone I love them. I want to be present for this journey called life and I don’t want to miss a thing. And guess what? This beautiful life that I have been given, that WE have been given, is none other than a gift from God. That, I believe, IS GOOD ENOUGH.
So how do we stay sane in the everyday grind? And what does sanity even mean? My program teaches me that God can and will restore our sanity, but on some days, I think God definitely has His hands full. When I first got sober, it was all about how to stay away from a drink one day at a time. As I look back, I think that might have been the easiest part about it for me. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to drink every second of every day for the first 6 months was not pleasant, but my life wasn’t all that difficult then either. Granted, it was hard, along with having to deal with my upcoming incarceration, but despite those things, I really had it pretty good. I didn’t have to worry about paying bills, taking care of a family, being a productive member of society, or being a responsible adult. I just had to keep my head above water, and do what everyone else told me to do: clean your room, say a prayer, call your sponsor, go to work, go to a meeting, work the steps.
Now, 5 years later, I have bills to pay, a family consisting of a husband and two crazy dogs to be committed to, a house (that I actually own) to take care of, a job to go to, volunteer commitments to attend, family commitments (and with now 4 families, that is a lot) to keep track of, planning for the future, taking the dogs to the vet, taking myself to the doctor and attempting to take care of my health issues, laundry, dishes, cleaning, making meals, and having too many calendars and to do lists for me to even keep track of, sometimes it feels like I just can’t keep up with it all. It may sound like I’m complaining, and yes I am a little (apparently that is in my nature) but I am also very grateful.
At times, I think back on early sobriety and even comment with my husband, that life just seemed so easy then! I reminisce at times, but I know that I can’t back and I know that I don’t actually want to go back. Life is about change and growth. If we are moving backward, then we aren’t moving forward, and that can even be worse than just standing still.
This weekend for example, we have been taking care of our friend’s dog. Great dog, great friends, but oh my gosh, its been a fun weekend to say the least. Taking care of 3 dogs is no joke, especially when all they want to do ALL THE TIME, is play, play, and play some more. This also includes at all hours of the night, which means that my husband and I have gotten no sleep what so ever. We were thinking about getting another dog, or even having a child in the future, but now we might be rethinking those grand ideas. All kidding aside, I’m sure one day we will have another dog or even a few kids running around (of course if God sees fit), but I can promise you this, I am exhausted and extremely irritable. Rightfully so I suppose, but at the same time, Laura, haven’t you forgotten about your blessings? Don’t you remember where you used to be, drinking alone, by yourself, miserable and no good to anyone? And now, you actually have friends that trust you and know they can count on you to take care of their dog. Just look at you now! Doing big things and stuff.
Moral of the story, know that God has got this and He has you every single step of the way. Don’t forget about your blessings, because if you are alive and breathing, trust me, you have some. I have taken on blogging, which seems to help to relieve some stress. Practice yoga, go to the gym, do some devotionals, talk to God, call someone. Just don’t forget about you. Take some time for you. The crazier life gets, we tend to put ourselves on the back burner, thinking we are superwoman and despite it all, can and will get it done. Maybe we can, but what we will also get is resentful, miserable, annoyed, and negative, if we don’t take some action to grow our spiritual condition through it all. Trust me, this has saved me a time or too. As stressful as life gets, as down as we get, just remember that it can always be worse. If I choose to take a drink again, I know for a fact, that it will most certainly be worse. Just for today, I choose to live this beautiful life that God has blessed me with.
Why did I decide to start blogging? Well, good question. To be able to answer that question fully, lets go back in time to about 5 years ago. I had gotten my 4th DWI, which became a habitual felony charge. Turns out the state of North Carolina, doesn’t really like drunk driving, and a lot of it. I don’t blame them. In one point in time for many years I was a true menace to society. Once I got this 4th DWI, because 3 just wasn’t enough for me at the time, I had officially run out of options. I always say, that God has to hit me over the head a few times, for me to finally get it. Fast forward to a little bit in time, and at around 10 months of sobriety under my belt, I had to officially clean up the wreckage of my past. I had signed my life away to 13-25 months in prison, which in my opinion, at the time, I rightfully deserved. And I was ready. I’m not sure if you are ever ready to go to prison, but I was. I was sober and had found a solution and I was ready to do what I needed to do. By God’s grace and a merciful judge, I was sentenced to only 5 months in prison.
I spent 2 out of the 5 months in county jail, which is an experience to say the least. Sure, I had been to jail plenty of times before, but this was the longest I had ever been. Was I scared? Absolutely. But, I also knew God had by back and I was prepared for whatever came my way. You definitely have to get creative to find things to do in jail. This was a building with no windows, no outside, and minimal time outside of your cell itself. So, what did I do? I WROTE. I wrote letters to friends in recovery and family. I had the strongest support system that any one human could imagine. But I also wrote for myself. The one thing that I really enjoyed in school. was writing. I didn’t necessarily think I was great at it, But I was the type of person, that once I started, I couldn’t stop. I sometimes had so many things to say that I couldn’t write or type fast enough.
In jail, I wrote about everything. And I wrote every single day. Whatever thoughts were coming to me that day, past, present, or future, I wrote them down. These included recent past, like the experiences I had in the treatment facility I stayed in for 90 days, or in the halfway house I had stayed in for 6 months. They also included longtime past, like my drinking experiences, good, bad, and very bad, my childhood, you name it. They included the present, my thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing sitting in this tiny jail cell, hearing the loud bang when the gates close that will haunt you forever, or the future, my goals and dreams for what I will do when I get through all this. I remember when I told my mom that I had been writing in there, she said “You should write a book!”. I never really had anymore thought to that until now.
Something that I have experienced over the years in sobriety, is I have periods of time where I can feel stuck, like I’m not growing, changing or moving forward. Thank God I haven’t taken a drink over these feelings, but I know if I stay stuck for long enough, taking a drink would be inevitable. Most recently, my feeling of being stuck started after I got married, which was about a month ago. I wasn’t happy with some things in my life, including a career, the future, my health issues, my passions, dreams and interests. I almost felt as though I had none, or any that did come to mind, I was scared to death. Fear will paralyze you into not making a change. But what I have learned is that making a change, can actually save you. Don’t get me wrong, my wedding and honeymoon and everything with that, were probably the best experiences of my life, a high that you cant get with drugs and alcohol. I married the best man I could possibly ask for and I know he was brought into my life by God, and God alone. But that high will only last for so long, and then I get to thinking, which usually is not the best place for me to be.
As I said before, God knows to hit me over the head for me to start “getting it” and that’s just what happened. I have been volunteering at the detox center in town and at the women’s jail in the area, bringing meetings and speaking the men and women, providing experience, strength and hope. I very much enjoy these activities and I suddenly realized that maybe, just maybe that is my passion, my calling, to help people in this way. I have been apart of lots of other service that goes along with my program, that includes sponsoring other woman who are struggling with the same issues that I am, and I suddenly I realized that I want to be able to help as many people as I can. So, why not start a blog.
I had no idea how to start a blog, how many people would really want to read what I wrote in a blog, and I was terrified to even start the process, but God kept nudging at me to do it. So here we are, a few nudges later, and we are writing a blog. Whoever is reading this, I want you to know, that if you are struggling with the same issues I have, or even different ones, that we can all be in this together. I believe we were put on this earth to help others, to love others, and perhaps my calling is to help others through my writing. Whenever I speak to groups, individuals, or through a computer, I speak nothing but MY truth. I want to be as real as possible, so that maybe someone out there can relate to the words I am saying. There is hope, I promise. You just have to stick around long enough to see the miracle happen.
Hello all and welcome to my very first blog post! I posted this particular picture because it reminded me of when I first started this journey. There was a painting of a lake and a little docked boat that hung in the in-patient treatment facility where I was residing at the time about 5 years ago. This was not my first treatment center, or even my first time at this particular treatment facility, but I pray that it was my last. I remember this picture standing out to me at the time. I was newly sober, probably a whole 30 days sober, and I was mesmerized by this picture. I had a lot riding on me then. I had completely alienated my family and my friends, had to quit my job, moved out of my apartment, had gotten my 4th DWI, hated myself, and I was back in, yet another treatment center. All I could think about was how badly I wished I could be in this little boat, away from the world, so I could forget about my problems and hope that eventually everything would go away. See, that’s what we do, I do, as an alcoholic. I could never face life without a drink in hand and when things got bad, I just proceeded to drink some more. Now, without the booze to save me, I had nothing but my own thoughts and reality, staring me in the face and all I wanted to do was RUN. I didn’t want to be sober, but I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed, which was the best decision on my life. I thank God for those memories of where I used to be and how every part of my life has shaped me into who I am now. I wouldn’t trade the heartaches, the misery, or the despair, for anything in the world. Would I want to relive it? No. But trade it? That would have to be a no too.
