My husband and I heard an interesting church sermon about a
week ago. The pastor was talking about how life is unfair, yet we walk around
thinking that it should be fair. He was referring to how we act when bad things
happen in our life. The first thing we do when something bad happens is ask “why
did this happen to me”, like the world is out to get us. What the pastor
explained is that life is unfair because of sin, but there is a just and loving
God personally involved that will work things out in His way and His time. God
does not punish us, but He will see us through whatever comes our way.
I guess the reason I bring this up today, is one, its
something I have been thinking about, and two, of what happened today. Our
water at our house has been acting strangely for the past couple of weeks, not
getting as hot as it usually is on some days, then fine on other days. We didn’t
think too much of it, until my husband finally went under the house this
morning to find the entire crawl space soaking wet, pipes busted, water heater
busted, insulation coming down, possible floor damage, top to bottom wet, the
whole nine. I woke up to this and the very first thought I had was “life is
unfair” and even chuckled a little. I don’t know why that was my first thought,
but maybe it was God.
Normally it would be “why us?”. We have had so many other problems,
another pipe has busted in the past, we had to change thermostats on our water
heater because we had no hot water, our cars have broken down I don’t know how
many times, the dogs have run away multiple times, we have gotten in several
car accidents, my husband has had 3 leg surgeries, we have had work done on our
heating and air system because its old and needs a lot of help, both my husband
and I have had doctor appointments after doctor appointments, lots of medical tests
done, the list could go on and on about the “problems” we have had, all the
while trying to stay sober one day at a time. Trying to be responsible adults
and take care of things when they arise, instead of completely ignoring them
like we did in the past.
Life is hard. When I was still drinking, that is how I thought
it was supposed to be. Then when I got sober, I thought that magically all life
problems would go away because I was trying to do the next right thing and I
didn’t deserve karma anymore. When we still had problems sober, I got mad, because
I didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be. What I am beginning to
realize now, is that is life. Life is unfair, so let’s stop walking around thinking
that it is supposed to be fair and that everything is supposed to go our way.
What do we do with the “unfair?” We take it by the horns, ask God for help to see us through and guide us in the right direction, and take what we need to do one day, one step at a time. So, what if we have to replace all the piping in our house, we have to replace all the insulation in the crawl space, etc. are we going to complain about it? First things first, we call a plumber and figure out the whole extent of the damage: we see what can be fixed, who we need to call next, talk to our insurance company and see what is and isn’t covered. That’s all we can do, right? That and believe that God will see us through this. Do we wallow in self-pity (which is what I normally do), or do we have gratitude that we actually have tools to deal with these kinds of things? What good will it do to wallow? None, I am slowly but surely realizing. As much as I want to say poor me, that could turn into poor me, poor me, pour me another drink and that will never make anything better. Weirdly enough, I don’t want to drink today, I don’t want to scream and shout, I actually seem to have a little bit of a smile on my face. That’s life!
What I seem to be paying more attention to lately in life is
all its many annoyances. I am naturally a little bit of a “Negative Nancy”, so
it’s safe to say that I easily see all the annoyances out there. If I let
myself, I can be annoyed with absolutely everything.
Just to name a few, I can be annoyed with how people drive
on the road, how slow our food takes at a restaurant, how a job on the house
isn’t being done fast enough, how I wish my husband was at home more, how I
wish I didn’t have so much to do, when all my dogs want to do are go in and out
every 5 minutes, how I wish people would stop texting me about silly things,
how I wish the doctors could actually figure out what is wrong with me, how
long I have to wait at the doctor’s office, how I have too much laundry and
dishes to do, how quickly our house gets dirty, how my husband likes to leave
clothes all over the house, when people ask me to do things that I just don’t
have time or necessarily want to do, when people expect me to have all the time
in the world, when certain people share in meetings, when things get
complicated at work, when we have too much family stuff going on, when people I
need to follow up with wont respond, when there are too many people in Wal-Mart
(or should I say “Hell-Mart” as my husband likes to refer to it as), when the
things I want/need are too expensive, when I’m running out of money, the list
could go on and on. Like I said, if I let myself, I could be annoyed with literally
everything.
But this isn’t how I want to live anymore. I don’t think
anyone does if they really think about it. I don’t want to be miserable, not at
peace, and unhappy, so what do I do to combat this. Well, I ask myself the
question “what makes me happy?” and “what puts a smile on my face?’
So much: Christmas music, Christmas movies, funny TV shows, good
movies that make you cry (but in a good way!), being able to give my dogs a
million kisses, smell their still puppy scent on their ears, and be able to
cuddle with them on the couch, being able to see a beautiful sunset, Christmas
lights, old pictures, watching the PMO Christmas Show that I participated in
when I was a kid, dancing, weddings, watching a good dance, singing, painting,
writing, getting a nice card in the mail, doing anything and everything with my
husband, including going out to dinner, shopping together, going to events
together, cooking together, cuddling on the couch together, sitting around the
fire together, watching a good movie together, or having a really good
conversation, hanging out with friends and being able to feel the trust and
warmth I receive from them, having a lot of laughs with my dad and his family
(which I never thought was possible), eating lunch at Cracker Barrel with my
mom, getting sweet texts from all of my family, seeing my mom’s dog so excited
to see me, feeling good about myself, taking a trip, being able to experience
something new, doing service work including bringing meetings into Detox and
the Jail, having people actually want me to do things and want me to
participate in events (even if I really don’t feel like it, you know how we can
get), having a good conversation with my sponsor, decorating for Christmas,
having a relationship with God, watching a family out shopping or out to dinner
with their kids (if they are being good kids, haha), relaxing, good food (when
I can actually eat it), thinking of things that put a smile on my
face….honestly I could go on all day, which is really pretty cool.
Who would have thought that what makes me happy, far
outweighs those little daily annoyances. When I was drinking I couldn’t see the
happy. Who could when we believed that we lived in a dark, hard, world full of
angst, bad luck, and turmoil? But the reality, which I know today, is that I
have so many good things, happy things, loving things, amazing things that
surround me on a daily basis, that I just don’t even know what to do with it
all. My gratitude and blessings are endless. Maybe this time of year, it’s easier
to see all that because of the reason for the season, or maybe it’s not,
because this time of year also tends to bring more annoyances than ever. Either
way, I know that God has given me such an amazing life, one that I never
thought I could ever hope, dream for, or deserve. So why not give all the glory
to Him and bask in that goodness? Do you think God would want you to stay in
your misery, sadness, loneliness, frustrations, and annoyances, or get to the
other side, open your eyes and see all the amazing wonders of the world that He
has put before us?
Writing this has truly brought me such joy, and I have
determined that I have to get better about keeping these feelings at the
forefront of my mind on a daily basis. I remember when I first got sober, it was
recommended to us to write a gratitude list every morning. A few 24 hours
later, and I’m just not so good at that anymore. Life is too busy, I can’t wake
up early enough, I’ll just do them in my head, but then by the time I get to
work in the morning, I have done nothing of the sort and the first annoyance
that happens, rocks my world. Maybe because I have given myself no defense
against that first annoyance! I watch (well, I hear about it because I’m
technically not awake yet) my husband get up every morning and do his morning
routine, which includes a gratitude list. He didn’t stop on day 30 of sobriety;
he has been religiously making it apart of his life for 3 years and continues
to do that every single day. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he might be
right about that one. Just for today, I will remember everything that makes me
happy, I will pay attention to everything that puts a smile on my face, and I
will bask in the goodness that God has surrounded me with. Today, I am blessed,
and oh so happy.
Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
