With everything that has been going on in this world in the last year, or last few years, there is one simple question that comes to my mind: “where is God?” I remember when I first got sober, the whole God concept seemed super difficult and foreign to me, mainly because I was still unwilling to fully let go, but what I am realizing now, is that it wasn’t actually as difficult as I thought.
Over 6 years ago, life was a little simpler, and less complicated. Life wasn’t necessarily easier, but I had less to deal with. There was one thing going on at a time, and life seemed to go in slow motion. Now, fast forward to today, there is way too much going on, on fast forward…in my own life and in the world as a whole.
The honest truth is, I look around and shake my head these days. I can’t watch the news because it is too depressing. I have a hard time going out because I’m wearing a mask and I look around me and everyone else is wearing a mask too. For me, it’s been a weird reality to grasp. I hear and see on social media, in the grocery store, on the road, with family, in the work place, about hate, manipulation, selfishness, chaos, sin run ramp it, fear, rudeness, and I wonder how things seemed to get so bad. I don’t remember it being this way before. Was it because I used to be part of it? Was because I didn’t care about it? Was it because I was too obliterated to even notice?
Have I finally grown up and become clear-headed enough to start seeing life as it really is? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. Some days more so than others, because let’s face it, life can get hard. Overall, I have a pretty fantastic life today, but when thinking about the world around me, I can certainly let it get me down. When did people stop being nice to each other? When did people start thinking that their opinion is the only one that matters? When did people become so entitled? When did people start thinking that violence is the only way to solve conflicts? When did people start being sarcastic, belittling, demeaning, selfish, and rude?
What I believe is that this sin has always been in the world. We know this from the beginning of time. There have always been wars, conflicts, hate, and selfishness, but I also believe that there was still a lot of good going on in the world too. Now, almost everything I see and hear about involves sin. So, I ask again, where is God? Where is the light? Where is the good? Where are the good Samaritans and the people who uplift others and applaud others? Where are the people who can have civilized conversations? Where is the kindness and the selflessness? Where are the people who let things go instead of trying to manipulate everyone and everything to their liking?
So, the next question I ask myself is what can I do about it? Well for starters, I choose to separate myself from toxic people, those that include the drama, the manipulation, and the attitudes. Then I try to do better myself on a daily basis, because don’t get me wrong, I can definitely have an attitude from time to time. I can think I’m right a lot of the time and listening to someone else’s opinion is out of the question. I can roll my eyes, or say something I shouldn’t say, because reality check, sin is in me too. But what I am grateful for today is having a program that teaches me to try to be different, try to do better, and try to do the next right thing.
Lastly, I have a God that I can rely on, to show me the light and to help me to show the light in my everyday life. Yes, I am just one person in the huge world, but what’s the harm that I could cause if I try to make a difference, if I try to show some kindness and respect, if I try to do the next right thing? And where can I find that same light elsewhere? With people who are trying to do the same thing I am, one day, one step at a time.
Ever heard this one before? If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say this, I’d be rich. The first time I heard this phrase I was in treatment for the 3rd time. We filled out an inventory every night and one of the things I always circled to work on was “trust the process”. It sounded good, but it seemed to be easier said than done.
When I got sober, trusting the process was extremely hard at first. I had to find God, which was even more difficult for a person like me since I wasn’t really sure exactly what I believed in to begin with. I also had to not regret my past, and believe that everything happens for a reason, past, present and future. To get to this place, I did the things my program teaches me: work with a sponsor, go through the steps, go to meetings, pray, ask for help. Little by little, my eyes were opened and I started having experiences that made me think, maybe life does work out just the way it’s supposed.
But then something happens, where I don’t feel that way anymore. In the beginning it was being unhappy at my job, getting frustrated that I wasn’t in a relationship, thinking if this is it, why even stay sober. I point this out to say this, that when I started having these feelings, I did exactly what the program teaches me to do. I reached out, told on how I was feeling, and put forth more action into working on my program. What that looked like for me was service work, sponsoring other woman, continuing to work with my sponsor, attending meetings, and praying A LOT. Then first thing you know, I am feeling and thinking a little differently, like hey, maybe life really IS working out the way it’s supposed to. TRUST the PROCESS.
Then life starts getting really good and we all know what happens next. We forget where we came from, we forget about the program, we think “we got this”, and we forget to trust the process. I have seen it time and time again, where people walk away from the program for one reason or another. There are those that are going to one meeting a month and don’t participate in any kind of service work, there are those that think church is the way to go and devote every second into Bible studies, church activities, and church service work, but can’t seem to remember the last time they stepped foot into a meeting. Then there are those who do nothing at all. What I do know, is that eventually if these people choose not to come back to the rooms, they will drink again. That IS the process.
And hey, I’m one of these people. Thankfully, I didn’t have to take a drink over it, but there was a time where I did get away from the rooms and this program and I started thinking I was normal. For me, that is a dangerous place to be. Because at that point, whether I’m doing nothing, or if I am only doing something else, like church, I have stopped trusting the process. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against church. I go to church. But the key is that I do that to enhance my spiritual life, while I am still strongly participating in the program, with service work, sponsoring other women, and attending meetings. The reason I do this is because this is the only place I am reminded of who I am. This is the only place that I find true relief, peace, hope, and joy. This is where I learn to trust the process.
So, guess what? I’m still working on trusting the process today. I have to be real. Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish things would go my way. Sometimes I get frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and angry. But I can turn to my program and I remember that I’m not in this alone. I remember I have a God, and many people loving, supporting, and guiding me. I remember that I can be of service today. And I can think back on all the times that I knew without a doubt, that everything happened for a reason. I see the events in my past happening the way they did, thinking the world was over at the time, then, watching them turn into something even more beautiful today. But just because I have a few 24 hours under my belt, doesn’t mean I won’t forget. So, I keep coming back, to hear what I need to hear, and be of service where I can. This is how I trust the process.
