Something that I have been thinking about lately, are things that I am passionate about: my likes and dislikes, views and beliefs. Thinking back, I was always the person that did not have my own likes and dislikes, my own voice, my own mannerisms, my OWN anything…I always copied what others were doing around me. I picked up their habits, likes, dislikes, the way they talked, the way they walked, their gestures, you name it. I was their very own mini me. I moved from group to group growing up and didn’t seem to stay with the same group of “friends” for more than a couple of years. Each time I changed groups, I became a different person, or I became the person that I thought you wanted me to be. I agreed with everything and I acted just like you. I didn’t realize that I never knew myself, the things I liked, the things I didn’t like, or my hobbies, beliefs and views, from something as simple as my favorite color, to something bigger like a political party.
When I first got sober was probably the first time I truly realized I did this, copied other people because I didn’t know my own true identity, and I spent the first couple of years in sobriety, feeling like a shell of a person. I felt the same way as I did before, like I had no idea who I was, but I just stayed that way, instead of trying to turn into other people, because I at least knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. Finally and at last around 2 and a half years sober, I woke up one day and realized that I actually had likes, dislikes, beliefs, views, and a personality that was my own and one that I actually liked. That was a good feeling.
Then as the years have progressed, I have become more and more ME. Some parts I like, others I don’t and continue to try to work on. When it comes down to it, I do really like my personality. I can be funny, real, and sensitive. I don’t turn into the people around me…I am me and I am good with that today. I can also be controlling, bossy, opinionated, and highly organized…all things that I try to work on. I know the things I like and the things I don’t like. For example, I like Christmas music, Christmas lights, walking my dogs, being in nature, the colors teal and gray, funny TV shows, trucks, glasses, comfy boots, and warm cardigans, having time to myself, getting massages, going on vacation, going out for a really nice dinner with my husband, drinking coffee, sitting by a fire, hanging out with friends & family, etc.
I also have passions and beliefs. I feel very strongly against animal abuse and hunting. For example, my husband and I put deer corn in our back yard and bird seed in our feeders, just so that God’s creatures have somewhere safe to eat and we are able to watch them with awe and wonder. I can’t stand seeing animals on the side of the road that didn’t make it, in a shelter, or in a family that doesn’t want them, and if we could, we would rescue every animal in the world. If I could go without eating meat, I would, just because I don’t agree with how most livestock are raised and treated.
I also don’t agree with how a lot of people in our world today behave. I don’t agree with the fighting, the riots, breaking the law out of hate, political manipulation tactics, and most of what is on the media these days. I do not tolerate the fakeness on social media and the cries for attention. I believe that more people should hear and learn about the disease of addiction AND I feel like everyone should be required to work a program, whether they are an alcoholic or not. I think the world might be a better place because of it. I also believe that being a part of the middle class has its disadvantages because my view is that we are part of a broken system.
Now, of course, I am sure that some people might not agree with my views, but they are MINE and I have a right to have them, just like you have the right to have yours. And hey, at least I have them today.
With everything that has been going on in this world in the last year, or last few years, there is one simple question that comes to my mind: “where is God?” I remember when I first got sober, the whole God concept seemed super difficult and foreign to me, mainly because I was still unwilling to fully let go, but what I am realizing now, is that it wasn’t actually as difficult as I thought.
Over 6 years ago, life was a little simpler, and less complicated. Life wasn’t necessarily easier, but I had less to deal with. There was one thing going on at a time, and life seemed to go in slow motion. Now, fast forward to today, there is way too much going on, on fast forward…in my own life and in the world as a whole.
The honest truth is, I look around and shake my head these days. I can’t watch the news because it is too depressing. I have a hard time going out because I’m wearing a mask and I look around me and everyone else is wearing a mask too. For me, it’s been a weird reality to grasp. I hear and see on social media, in the grocery store, on the road, with family, in the work place, about hate, manipulation, selfishness, chaos, sin run ramp it, fear, rudeness, and I wonder how things seemed to get so bad. I don’t remember it being this way before. Was it because I used to be part of it? Was because I didn’t care about it? Was it because I was too obliterated to even notice?
Have I finally grown up and become clear-headed enough to start seeing life as it really is? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. Some days more so than others, because let’s face it, life can get hard. Overall, I have a pretty fantastic life today, but when thinking about the world around me, I can certainly let it get me down. When did people stop being nice to each other? When did people start thinking that their opinion is the only one that matters? When did people become so entitled? When did people start thinking that violence is the only way to solve conflicts? When did people start being sarcastic, belittling, demeaning, selfish, and rude?
What I believe is that this sin has always been in the world. We know this from the beginning of time. There have always been wars, conflicts, hate, and selfishness, but I also believe that there was still a lot of good going on in the world too. Now, almost everything I see and hear about involves sin. So, I ask again, where is God? Where is the light? Where is the good? Where are the good Samaritans and the people who uplift others and applaud others? Where are the people who can have civilized conversations? Where is the kindness and the selflessness? Where are the people who let things go instead of trying to manipulate everyone and everything to their liking?
So, the next question I ask myself is what can I do about it? Well for starters, I choose to separate myself from toxic people, those that include the drama, the manipulation, and the attitudes. Then I try to do better myself on a daily basis, because don’t get me wrong, I can definitely have an attitude from time to time. I can think I’m right a lot of the time and listening to someone else’s opinion is out of the question. I can roll my eyes, or say something I shouldn’t say, because reality check, sin is in me too. But what I am grateful for today is having a program that teaches me to try to be different, try to do better, and try to do the next right thing.
Lastly, I have a God that I can rely on, to show me the light and to help me to show the light in my everyday life. Yes, I am just one person in the huge world, but what’s the harm that I could cause if I try to make a difference, if I try to show some kindness and respect, if I try to do the next right thing? And where can I find that same light elsewhere? With people who are trying to do the same thing I am, one day, one step at a time.
Ever heard this one before? If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say this, I’d be rich. The first time I heard this phrase I was in treatment for the 3rd time. We filled out an inventory every night and one of the things I always circled to work on was “trust the process”. It sounded good, but it seemed to be easier said than done.
When I got sober, trusting the process was extremely hard at first. I had to find God, which was even more difficult for a person like me since I wasn’t really sure exactly what I believed in to begin with. I also had to not regret my past, and believe that everything happens for a reason, past, present and future. To get to this place, I did the things my program teaches me: work with a sponsor, go through the steps, go to meetings, pray, ask for help. Little by little, my eyes were opened and I started having experiences that made me think, maybe life does work out just the way it’s supposed.
But then something happens, where I don’t feel that way anymore. In the beginning it was being unhappy at my job, getting frustrated that I wasn’t in a relationship, thinking if this is it, why even stay sober. I point this out to say this, that when I started having these feelings, I did exactly what the program teaches me to do. I reached out, told on how I was feeling, and put forth more action into working on my program. What that looked like for me was service work, sponsoring other woman, continuing to work with my sponsor, attending meetings, and praying A LOT. Then first thing you know, I am feeling and thinking a little differently, like hey, maybe life really IS working out the way it’s supposed to. TRUST the PROCESS.
Then life starts getting really good and we all know what happens next. We forget where we came from, we forget about the program, we think “we got this”, and we forget to trust the process. I have seen it time and time again, where people walk away from the program for one reason or another. There are those that are going to one meeting a month and don’t participate in any kind of service work, there are those that think church is the way to go and devote every second into Bible studies, church activities, and church service work, but can’t seem to remember the last time they stepped foot into a meeting. Then there are those who do nothing at all. What I do know, is that eventually if these people choose not to come back to the rooms, they will drink again. That IS the process.
And hey, I’m one of these people. Thankfully, I didn’t have to take a drink over it, but there was a time where I did get away from the rooms and this program and I started thinking I was normal. For me, that is a dangerous place to be. Because at that point, whether I’m doing nothing, or if I am only doing something else, like church, I have stopped trusting the process. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against church. I go to church. But the key is that I do that to enhance my spiritual life, while I am still strongly participating in the program, with service work, sponsoring other women, and attending meetings. The reason I do this is because this is the only place I am reminded of who I am. This is the only place that I find true relief, peace, hope, and joy. This is where I learn to trust the process.
So, guess what? I’m still working on trusting the process today. I have to be real. Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish things would go my way. Sometimes I get frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and angry. But I can turn to my program and I remember that I’m not in this alone. I remember I have a God, and many people loving, supporting, and guiding me. I remember that I can be of service today. And I can think back on all the times that I knew without a doubt, that everything happened for a reason. I see the events in my past happening the way they did, thinking the world was over at the time, then, watching them turn into something even more beautiful today. But just because I have a few 24 hours under my belt, doesn’t mean I won’t forget. So, I keep coming back, to hear what I need to hear, and be of service where I can. This is how I trust the process.
Wow, that used to be a super tough question, and honestly it can still sometimes be, because the truth of the matter is that I’m super selfish. Our book tells me this is the root of my problems, selfishness, self-centered. So, what do I do to combat that? Specifically we are told that we are supposed to help people and I guess the reason why this has been brought more to my attention lately is from sponsoring the number of women I am. 4 is definitely a good amount for me and honestly it takes a lot of time and effort to talk to them on the phone, answer their texts, and meet with them on a regular basis. I do enjoy this kind of work for the most part, but I would be lying if I said I loved it all the time. Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to be bothered, and I don’t want to take time away from something that I would rather be doing, which sometimes is nothing at all.
So, why do I do it? Selfishly I do this kind of work because it keeps me SOBER and I have determined that service work has to be a part of my daily life. Of course this isn’t the only thing the book tells me to do to stay sober. I am supposed to grow in my connection with God, work on myself, apologize when wrong, and attempt to be a productive member of society. However without service work (of any kind), I know I would surely drink. Plus, this is everything our book describes that we are supposed to do and continue to do, once we get sober. We GIVE IT AWAY.
My question to you, is what have you given away today? And let’s make this clear, I’m not talking about helping your kids, your spouse, your pets, your parents, siblings, etc, because honestly at this point, I’m pretty sure that should be a given. Of course not to say that that doesn’t mean something too. Most certainly it does, but the way I look at it, that kind of work is still a little bit selfish, don’t you think? When I am helping my husband and my dogs, I am trying to help myself too. I make food, I clean, I take care of the household because it gives me a sense of purpose AND a happy home is with everyone happy in it, right? So, the point I am trying to make is that in a sense, I do this work selfishly.
What I am really talking about is asking the question, what have you done for someone else today, someone new in recovery, a stranger at the grocery store, a colleague, a co-worker, a friend? Have you reached out to someone and asked them how their day was? Have you helped a co-worker with work they missed while out? Have you held the door open or let someone cut you in line at the grocery store? Have you picked an item up off the parking lot ground for someone who dropped it? Have you thanked a colleague for helping you with something? Have you answered the phone when a sponsee has called, or an even better question (if you are in recovery) is, are you even sponsoring anyone? Have you taken a meeting into the jail, Detox facility, out-patient classes, or DMV classes? Who have you helped today?
I’m not saying you have to do all these things, but what about one of them just for today? What motives do you have behind doing these things? What do you get out of it? Is any part of it selfish? For me, I can honestly say that the most selfish part of doing these things is so I get to stay sober. I know that I have to keep doing everything this program has taught me from the beginning to better myself, to be helpful and to stay sober. I can’t forget that. This is MY purpose today.
So, I think a good transition from keeping it real would be to talk about our true alcoholic thought processes, those of which don’t just go away as soon as you get sober. For me, it has taken action and a lot of it, to allow my thought processes, patterns, and actions come to the surface so that I can try to do something different with them. Something for me that keeps coming up is when things just never seem to be good enough. All things: me, you, life, my house, my marriage, my possessions, my dogs’ behavior, my job, the business, our employees, the vehicles, how slow Wal-Mart is, the food choices in this town, THIS town, the list could go on and on.
So, let’s get into the nitty gritty of it and get REAL. I’ve written a blog on how I have struggled my whole life with the “not good enough” images of myself, but when I really sit down and think about it, I can feel that way about literally everything else in my life. Especially if I start comparing myself and my life to those around me. That’s when I really get in trouble. I’ve been taught time and time again to never compare myself to others, with anything, especially with anything in recovery. My sponsor would always tell me “you are right where you are supposed to be”. UGH. Don’t I know it. I can look at myself and tell myself that I’m not pretty enough, my hair should be thicker and longer, I should be skinnier, my skin should be less wrinkled, I should be more flexible, less awkward, be able to sing, play an instrument, be smarter, blah, blah blah. Crazy right? But isn’t that the reality of how pretty much all humans can think from time to time?
Then I go to everything else: my recovery, my job, where I am at in life, the fact that I don’t have kids yet, our house, our vehicles, our clothes, our possessions, our company, my marriage, everything can be compared to someone or something else. So, why do we do this? Human nature, I suppose. The sins of the world that are trying to cover the fact that we are all children of God, would be another good way of describing it.
Looking back, I used to feel this way when I was in active addiction, but the easy part of that was I could just drink and not think about it anymore (until that quit working, so I would just cry about it instead). Then when I was newly sober, I used to compare my recovery to other’s recovery, however I quickly learned that the reality is that I don’t necessarily want other people’s recovery, no matter how good I think it looks from the outside. I need to go through what I need to go through for a reason, whatever it is and however long or slow the process is.
So, is the grass really greener on the other side or is it just an illusion, a trick of the mind? What is the other side? Is that someone else’s life, is that the life we think we should be living in the next year, or a life that seems nearly impossible? For me, sometimes I will look at someone else’s life and think maybe I should be where they are right now, or they seem to really have it going on and have this whole life thing figured out, but what I forget to think about is all the life struggles that we don’t see or hear about from these people. We ALL have problems. You know it, I know it, we all know it. So, would I really want to trade my life with someone else just because I think they have it all figured out, but then when the trade actually happens, I come to find that I get all their issues, struggles and problems too? I once heard that if we all laid out our problems on a table, if we had the choice, we would always go pick up our own problem again, because really, we don’t want to deal with anyone else’s.
So first, I have to give myself and little slack and remind myself that I am only human. Next, I remember I am a child of God and my life is exactly how it is supposed to be in this very moment. Then I will choose to pray for all those out there that are having struggles that we just don’t know about. Confess, forgive, empty and fill. What I choose to fill my life with today is living in the here and now. Not to look to where I think I should be or what I think I should be doing, but staying present in today and to always remain grateful, reflecting on where I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I still have hopes and dreams today, but they are OUR dreams, not someone else’s. I will have faith in my God who has brought me to exactly where I need to be and will continue to be with me through this journey of MY life. I will also continue to put forth the action that I need to take to continue to work on myself, which can only come from working MY program, not anyone else’s.
