Something that I have been thinking about lately, are things that I am passionate about: my likes and dislikes, views and beliefs. Thinking back, I was always the person that did not have my own likes and dislikes, my own voice, my own mannerisms, my OWN anything…I always copied what others were doing around me. I picked up their habits, likes, dislikes, the way they talked, the way they walked, their gestures, you name it. I was their very own mini me. I moved from group to group growing up and didn’t seem to stay with the same group of “friends” for more than a couple of years. Each time I changed groups, I became a different person, or I became the person that I thought you wanted me to be. I agreed with everything and I acted just like you. I didn’t realize that I never knew myself, the things I liked, the things I didn’t like, or my hobbies, beliefs and views, from something as simple as my favorite color, to something bigger like a political party.
When I first got sober was probably the first time I truly realized I did this, copied other people because I didn’t know my own true identity, and I spent the first couple of years in sobriety, feeling like a shell of a person. I felt the same way as I did before, like I had no idea who I was, but I just stayed that way, instead of trying to turn into other people, because I at least knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. Finally and at last around 2 and a half years sober, I woke up one day and realized that I actually had likes, dislikes, beliefs, views, and a personality that was my own and one that I actually liked. That was a good feeling.
Then as the years have progressed, I have become more and more ME. Some parts I like, others I don’t and continue to try to work on. When it comes down to it, I do really like my personality. I can be funny, real, and sensitive. I don’t turn into the people around me…I am me and I am good with that today. I can also be controlling, bossy, opinionated, and highly organized…all things that I try to work on. I know the things I like and the things I don’t like. For example, I like Christmas music, Christmas lights, walking my dogs, being in nature, the colors teal and gray, funny TV shows, trucks, glasses, comfy boots, and warm cardigans, having time to myself, getting massages, going on vacation, going out for a really nice dinner with my husband, drinking coffee, sitting by a fire, hanging out with friends & family, etc.
I also have passions and beliefs. I feel very strongly against animal abuse and hunting. For example, my husband and I put deer corn in our back yard and bird seed in our feeders, just so that God’s creatures have somewhere safe to eat and we are able to watch them with awe and wonder. I can’t stand seeing animals on the side of the road that didn’t make it, in a shelter, or in a family that doesn’t want them, and if we could, we would rescue every animal in the world. If I could go without eating meat, I would, just because I don’t agree with how most livestock are raised and treated.
I also don’t agree with how a lot of people in our world today behave. I don’t agree with the fighting, the riots, breaking the law out of hate, political manipulation tactics, and most of what is on the media these days. I do not tolerate the fakeness on social media and the cries for attention. I believe that more people should hear and learn about the disease of addiction AND I feel like everyone should be required to work a program, whether they are an alcoholic or not. I think the world might be a better place because of it. I also believe that being a part of the middle class has its disadvantages because my view is that we are part of a broken system.
Now, of course, I am sure that some people might not agree with my views, but they are MINE and I have a right to have them, just like you have the right to have yours. And hey, at least I have them today.
With everything that has been going on in this world in the last year, or last few years, there is one simple question that comes to my mind: “where is God?” I remember when I first got sober, the whole God concept seemed super difficult and foreign to me, mainly because I was still unwilling to fully let go, but what I am realizing now, is that it wasn’t actually as difficult as I thought.
Over 6 years ago, life was a little simpler, and less complicated. Life wasn’t necessarily easier, but I had less to deal with. There was one thing going on at a time, and life seemed to go in slow motion. Now, fast forward to today, there is way too much going on, on fast forward…in my own life and in the world as a whole.
The honest truth is, I look around and shake my head these days. I can’t watch the news because it is too depressing. I have a hard time going out because I’m wearing a mask and I look around me and everyone else is wearing a mask too. For me, it’s been a weird reality to grasp. I hear and see on social media, in the grocery store, on the road, with family, in the work place, about hate, manipulation, selfishness, chaos, sin run ramp it, fear, rudeness, and I wonder how things seemed to get so bad. I don’t remember it being this way before. Was it because I used to be part of it? Was because I didn’t care about it? Was it because I was too obliterated to even notice?
Have I finally grown up and become clear-headed enough to start seeing life as it really is? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. Some days more so than others, because let’s face it, life can get hard. Overall, I have a pretty fantastic life today, but when thinking about the world around me, I can certainly let it get me down. When did people stop being nice to each other? When did people start thinking that their opinion is the only one that matters? When did people become so entitled? When did people start thinking that violence is the only way to solve conflicts? When did people start being sarcastic, belittling, demeaning, selfish, and rude?
What I believe is that this sin has always been in the world. We know this from the beginning of time. There have always been wars, conflicts, hate, and selfishness, but I also believe that there was still a lot of good going on in the world too. Now, almost everything I see and hear about involves sin. So, I ask again, where is God? Where is the light? Where is the good? Where are the good Samaritans and the people who uplift others and applaud others? Where are the people who can have civilized conversations? Where is the kindness and the selflessness? Where are the people who let things go instead of trying to manipulate everyone and everything to their liking?
So, the next question I ask myself is what can I do about it? Well for starters, I choose to separate myself from toxic people, those that include the drama, the manipulation, and the attitudes. Then I try to do better myself on a daily basis, because don’t get me wrong, I can definitely have an attitude from time to time. I can think I’m right a lot of the time and listening to someone else’s opinion is out of the question. I can roll my eyes, or say something I shouldn’t say, because reality check, sin is in me too. But what I am grateful for today is having a program that teaches me to try to be different, try to do better, and try to do the next right thing.
Lastly, I have a God that I can rely on, to show me the light and to help me to show the light in my everyday life. Yes, I am just one person in the huge world, but what’s the harm that I could cause if I try to make a difference, if I try to show some kindness and respect, if I try to do the next right thing? And where can I find that same light elsewhere? With people who are trying to do the same thing I am, one day, one step at a time.
Ever heard this one before? If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say this, I’d be rich. The first time I heard this phrase I was in treatment for the 3rd time. We filled out an inventory every night and one of the things I always circled to work on was “trust the process”. It sounded good, but it seemed to be easier said than done.
When I got sober, trusting the process was extremely hard at first. I had to find God, which was even more difficult for a person like me since I wasn’t really sure exactly what I believed in to begin with. I also had to not regret my past, and believe that everything happens for a reason, past, present and future. To get to this place, I did the things my program teaches me: work with a sponsor, go through the steps, go to meetings, pray, ask for help. Little by little, my eyes were opened and I started having experiences that made me think, maybe life does work out just the way it’s supposed.
But then something happens, where I don’t feel that way anymore. In the beginning it was being unhappy at my job, getting frustrated that I wasn’t in a relationship, thinking if this is it, why even stay sober. I point this out to say this, that when I started having these feelings, I did exactly what the program teaches me to do. I reached out, told on how I was feeling, and put forth more action into working on my program. What that looked like for me was service work, sponsoring other woman, continuing to work with my sponsor, attending meetings, and praying A LOT. Then first thing you know, I am feeling and thinking a little differently, like hey, maybe life really IS working out the way it’s supposed to. TRUST the PROCESS.
Then life starts getting really good and we all know what happens next. We forget where we came from, we forget about the program, we think “we got this”, and we forget to trust the process. I have seen it time and time again, where people walk away from the program for one reason or another. There are those that are going to one meeting a month and don’t participate in any kind of service work, there are those that think church is the way to go and devote every second into Bible studies, church activities, and church service work, but can’t seem to remember the last time they stepped foot into a meeting. Then there are those who do nothing at all. What I do know, is that eventually if these people choose not to come back to the rooms, they will drink again. That IS the process.
And hey, I’m one of these people. Thankfully, I didn’t have to take a drink over it, but there was a time where I did get away from the rooms and this program and I started thinking I was normal. For me, that is a dangerous place to be. Because at that point, whether I’m doing nothing, or if I am only doing something else, like church, I have stopped trusting the process. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against church. I go to church. But the key is that I do that to enhance my spiritual life, while I am still strongly participating in the program, with service work, sponsoring other women, and attending meetings. The reason I do this is because this is the only place I am reminded of who I am. This is the only place that I find true relief, peace, hope, and joy. This is where I learn to trust the process.
So, guess what? I’m still working on trusting the process today. I have to be real. Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish things would go my way. Sometimes I get frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and angry. But I can turn to my program and I remember that I’m not in this alone. I remember I have a God, and many people loving, supporting, and guiding me. I remember that I can be of service today. And I can think back on all the times that I knew without a doubt, that everything happened for a reason. I see the events in my past happening the way they did, thinking the world was over at the time, then, watching them turn into something even more beautiful today. But just because I have a few 24 hours under my belt, doesn’t mean I won’t forget. So, I keep coming back, to hear what I need to hear, and be of service where I can. This is how I trust the process.
Wow, that used to be a super tough question, and honestly it can still sometimes be, because the truth of the matter is that I’m super selfish. Our book tells me this is the root of my problems, selfishness, self-centered. So, what do I do to combat that? Specifically we are told that we are supposed to help people and I guess the reason why this has been brought more to my attention lately is from sponsoring the number of women I am. 4 is definitely a good amount for me and honestly it takes a lot of time and effort to talk to them on the phone, answer their texts, and meet with them on a regular basis. I do enjoy this kind of work for the most part, but I would be lying if I said I loved it all the time. Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to be bothered, and I don’t want to take time away from something that I would rather be doing, which sometimes is nothing at all.
So, why do I do it? Selfishly I do this kind of work because it keeps me SOBER and I have determined that service work has to be a part of my daily life. Of course this isn’t the only thing the book tells me to do to stay sober. I am supposed to grow in my connection with God, work on myself, apologize when wrong, and attempt to be a productive member of society. However without service work (of any kind), I know I would surely drink. Plus, this is everything our book describes that we are supposed to do and continue to do, once we get sober. We GIVE IT AWAY.
My question to you, is what have you given away today? And let’s make this clear, I’m not talking about helping your kids, your spouse, your pets, your parents, siblings, etc, because honestly at this point, I’m pretty sure that should be a given. Of course not to say that that doesn’t mean something too. Most certainly it does, but the way I look at it, that kind of work is still a little bit selfish, don’t you think? When I am helping my husband and my dogs, I am trying to help myself too. I make food, I clean, I take care of the household because it gives me a sense of purpose AND a happy home is with everyone happy in it, right? So, the point I am trying to make is that in a sense, I do this work selfishly.
What I am really talking about is asking the question, what have you done for someone else today, someone new in recovery, a stranger at the grocery store, a colleague, a co-worker, a friend? Have you reached out to someone and asked them how their day was? Have you helped a co-worker with work they missed while out? Have you held the door open or let someone cut you in line at the grocery store? Have you picked an item up off the parking lot ground for someone who dropped it? Have you thanked a colleague for helping you with something? Have you answered the phone when a sponsee has called, or an even better question (if you are in recovery) is, are you even sponsoring anyone? Have you taken a meeting into the jail, Detox facility, out-patient classes, or DMV classes? Who have you helped today?
I’m not saying you have to do all these things, but what about one of them just for today? What motives do you have behind doing these things? What do you get out of it? Is any part of it selfish? For me, I can honestly say that the most selfish part of doing these things is so I get to stay sober. I know that I have to keep doing everything this program has taught me from the beginning to better myself, to be helpful and to stay sober. I can’t forget that. This is MY purpose today.
So, I think a good transition from keeping it real would be to talk about our true alcoholic thought processes, those of which don’t just go away as soon as you get sober. For me, it has taken action and a lot of it, to allow my thought processes, patterns, and actions come to the surface so that I can try to do something different with them. Something for me that keeps coming up is when things just never seem to be good enough. All things: me, you, life, my house, my marriage, my possessions, my dogs’ behavior, my job, the business, our employees, the vehicles, how slow Wal-Mart is, the food choices in this town, THIS town, the list could go on and on.
So, let’s get into the nitty gritty of it and get REAL. I’ve written a blog on how I have struggled my whole life with the “not good enough” images of myself, but when I really sit down and think about it, I can feel that way about literally everything else in my life. Especially if I start comparing myself and my life to those around me. That’s when I really get in trouble. I’ve been taught time and time again to never compare myself to others, with anything, especially with anything in recovery. My sponsor would always tell me “you are right where you are supposed to be”. UGH. Don’t I know it. I can look at myself and tell myself that I’m not pretty enough, my hair should be thicker and longer, I should be skinnier, my skin should be less wrinkled, I should be more flexible, less awkward, be able to sing, play an instrument, be smarter, blah, blah blah. Crazy right? But isn’t that the reality of how pretty much all humans can think from time to time?
Then I go to everything else: my recovery, my job, where I am at in life, the fact that I don’t have kids yet, our house, our vehicles, our clothes, our possessions, our company, my marriage, everything can be compared to someone or something else. So, why do we do this? Human nature, I suppose. The sins of the world that are trying to cover the fact that we are all children of God, would be another good way of describing it.
Looking back, I used to feel this way when I was in active addiction, but the easy part of that was I could just drink and not think about it anymore (until that quit working, so I would just cry about it instead). Then when I was newly sober, I used to compare my recovery to other’s recovery, however I quickly learned that the reality is that I don’t necessarily want other people’s recovery, no matter how good I think it looks from the outside. I need to go through what I need to go through for a reason, whatever it is and however long or slow the process is.
So, is the grass really greener on the other side or is it just an illusion, a trick of the mind? What is the other side? Is that someone else’s life, is that the life we think we should be living in the next year, or a life that seems nearly impossible? For me, sometimes I will look at someone else’s life and think maybe I should be where they are right now, or they seem to really have it going on and have this whole life thing figured out, but what I forget to think about is all the life struggles that we don’t see or hear about from these people. We ALL have problems. You know it, I know it, we all know it. So, would I really want to trade my life with someone else just because I think they have it all figured out, but then when the trade actually happens, I come to find that I get all their issues, struggles and problems too? I once heard that if we all laid out our problems on a table, if we had the choice, we would always go pick up our own problem again, because really, we don’t want to deal with anyone else’s.
So first, I have to give myself and little slack and remind myself that I am only human. Next, I remember I am a child of God and my life is exactly how it is supposed to be in this very moment. Then I will choose to pray for all those out there that are having struggles that we just don’t know about. Confess, forgive, empty and fill. What I choose to fill my life with today is living in the here and now. Not to look to where I think I should be or what I think I should be doing, but staying present in today and to always remain grateful, reflecting on where I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I still have hopes and dreams today, but they are OUR dreams, not someone else’s. I will have faith in my God who has brought me to exactly where I need to be and will continue to be with me through this journey of MY life. I will also continue to put forth the action that I need to take to continue to work on myself, which can only come from working MY program, not anyone else’s.
So, speaking of the truth, where is it these days? How do we find it? I can tell you exactly where you can’t find it is anywhere on social media. If that is what you are looking for, maybe try a face to face conversation and you might have more luck.
Something that I always say when I am getting ready to speak in a meeting is that I am going to share from the heart, to speak my truth and show my realness and that is what I choose to do in my life as a whole. Granted, I’m not going to be complaining to everyone about my life issues or annoyances, just like I wouldn’t shout in the middle of Wal-Mart, my gratitudes and everything I am thankful for, but I do believe when you are sitting down with your family, close friends, and especially sponsees and others you are wanting to be able to help, you KEEP IT REAL.
How did our society turn into this? Where everything is online and what we show online is nothing short of perfection. Do we feel like we have to post something every day? And how do we feel when enough people aren’t commenting and liking our photos and posts? Did we tell ourselves that we are posting to let friends know where we are at in life, but instead feel like we have something to prove? Do we want to show off all the cool things that are happening in our lives to make others feel envious? Do we feel like we have to be better than the next person, that the grass is greener on OUR side?
These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for awhile now, because honestly, I used to be one of these people in a way. I felt like I was important when I got to show off my “oh so wonderful life”. I felt a rush when I would look to see how many people liked the post, then check it an hour later to see how many MORE people liked the post. Because of my thought processes lately, I have chosen not to post like I used to on social media, not to keep checking it every 5 minutes to see what people are saying about it. Because here is the TRUTH of it, NOONE’S life is that perfect. It’s just not possible. Life happens, so let’s start being real about it.
One of the reasons I have been thinking about this lately, is because my husband and I just recently watched the Netflix documentary about the Watts family, saddest thing in the world. My point with this is seeing if you paid attention to the differences in the social media posts verses the texts in this show. The fake verses the realness. You will NEVER know what is truly going on in person’s life if you are just watching their social media accounts.
My question is, how can you respect, look up to, and idolize, anyone who behaves in that manner? Something that I have been taught from the very beginning of my recovery is that we find the “winners” and those are the ones we stick with. Today, I think I have a much better understanding of that. The “winners” doesn’t mean their life is perfect, or they make you believe their life is perfect, it’s the ones who stay real and aren’t afraid to tell you what is really going on in their lives. Isn’t that where the venerability comes from? Putting it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. The way I look at it, is that’s what I want to share with those who are just getting started on this sober life journey and really anyone else. If I was to tell them that it’s all up from here, they would be sorely mistaken, and if they happened to glance at other sober people’s social media, then most likely they will think they are doing something wrong, especially when they have a bad day, because trust me those days will come.
I’m not saying that everything on social media is a lie, and that life isn’t wonderful and we don’t have amazing, magical things happen to us, but is flaunting it on Facebook what it’s all about? Or is there more to life than that? What if we talked about God on social media? What if we talked about our struggles? What if we talked about our blessings and offered for everyone to join in to include their blessings? What if we talked about what we stand for and what are passions are? Not in a condemning and argumentative way, just saying, hey this is how I feel and if someone feels differently then that’s cool too. What if we helped people on social media instead of hurting them, even if we THINK we aren’t hurting anyone? Maybe instead of posting all over social media, we should spend time with our family, take pictures, and put them in a scrapbook for us as a family to look at. Maybe we should start a book study and invite friends over to discuss it. Maybe we should reach out to others and ask how their day is? Maybe we should stop and smell the roses. Maybe we should get a dose of humility.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do any of this perfectly, but the more I grow in my recovery, the more awareness I receive, not only about myself, but the people I choose to surround myself with, and the actions I decide to partake in. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want people to look at my social media account and think, “wow, she must have a perfect life”. I want them to see the real me and my real life experiences and think if she can do it, then maybe I can do it too.
And I’m back. Life is busy…very busy. And a lot has happened on here since the last time I talked to you guys. I don’t have all the time in the world anymore. Not like I had all the time in the world before, but with life these days, my free time is truly pretty limited. So, let’s talk about that. I feel like as an alcoholic in recovery, life can be even more demanding and more hectic, than perhaps of a normal person. It’s not just the work and family..its work, family, and all things recovery.
Since the last time I blogged, the biggest thing in my life is that my husband and I took over a company. Yes, that’s right, we OWN a company. Take that one in, Laura. I still can’t believe it myself. Finally and at last, we feel so much more financially stable now and so far, it looks like it will continue that way for the foreseeable future. There are so many pros about owning your own company. You get to make your own hours, hire your own employees, bring in as much or as little money as you want, take a vacation when you want, and actually have holidays. The downside about owning a business is, well, everything else.
My husband is the manual labor worker of our team, so he hires, trains, and works his butt off everyday providing for our family. Once he is done working for the day, then he goes on price quotes and makes phone calls well into the evening. He even works on Saturdays AND an occasional Sunday (the day of rest!). Me on the other hand, I have TWO jobs, actually let’s make that, 3 jobs. I work a full time job, I do all the back end work for the business, and I take care of our household. On a daily basis, I am working 8-5, coming home to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the dogs, take care of household paperwork and bills, THEN do all the business paperwork. This includes and is not limited to, our marketing tactics, paying estimated taxes, paying employee taxes, paying unemployment, making deposits, conducting payroll, making sure everything organized and keeping up with our trusty business helpers with quarterly reports, liability, insurance, etc. and let’s not forget that I have gone out a handful of times in the field as well, on, you guessed it, Saturday and Sunday, making my work day a 7 day week.
But of course, we can’t forget the recovery part, as well. This includes for myself and my husband, going to meetings, saying “yes” when we are asked to do things in the program, AND having 4 sponsees, EACH. If nobody knows what that entails, let me tell you, it’s some hard damn work. First, I have to keep myself sane enough to actually be able to try to help these people, then I have to find time to meet with these girls every week, individually. And let’s not forget about the texts and phone calls I get from them throughout the day.
I say all that, to say this. My life is busy and it’s consisted of very hard work on a daily basis. Something I hear more often than I would like is the phrase, “only people with kids would understand how busy it gets”. I want to make something very clear, that just because I don’t have children, doesn’t mean I don’t understand, or that I’m not just as busy. My first thought to these comments are “well YOU don’t understand what it is like to own a home, have a couple of dogs, OWN a business, work multiple jobs, or have sponsees”, but I suppose that is not a very spiritual thing to say either. So, instead, I say nothing at all. But isn’t that the truth? How can we say something like that, when we really have no idea what the person next to us is going through, what their life is all about, or what their truth really is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that parents aren’t hardworking individuals, but I truly don’t think its fair to compare that to anything else, like, just because I’m a parent means I’ve already done the hardest thing in the world. Maybe for you, but maybe for others something else was harder, like getting sober, buying a house, owning a company, getting married, going to prison. Maybe we should be saying, “hey this is what I’m going through and you know what, its hard”. Period. Why does everything have to have a judgement and a comparison?
Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to
show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have
been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory
lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness
(even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect
on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now
that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles
that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own,
the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond
ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the
restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I
have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was
physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have
the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for
me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the
present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my
couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I
was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I
think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed,
and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never
been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been
constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and
down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten
better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy
and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself.
I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am
rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband
where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes,
dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I
have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give
kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so
freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down
and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single
day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”,
but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up
and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than
when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it
be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only
based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green
and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my
life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world.
Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and
not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine
through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then
maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and
listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day.
If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults
and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses
and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss
my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
My husband and I heard an interesting church sermon about a
week ago. The pastor was talking about how life is unfair, yet we walk around
thinking that it should be fair. He was referring to how we act when bad things
happen in our life. The first thing we do when something bad happens is ask “why
did this happen to me”, like the world is out to get us. What the pastor
explained is that life is unfair because of sin, but there is a just and loving
God personally involved that will work things out in His way and His time. God
does not punish us, but He will see us through whatever comes our way.
I guess the reason I bring this up today, is one, its
something I have been thinking about, and two, of what happened today. Our
water at our house has been acting strangely for the past couple of weeks, not
getting as hot as it usually is on some days, then fine on other days. We didn’t
think too much of it, until my husband finally went under the house this
morning to find the entire crawl space soaking wet, pipes busted, water heater
busted, insulation coming down, possible floor damage, top to bottom wet, the
whole nine. I woke up to this and the very first thought I had was “life is
unfair” and even chuckled a little. I don’t know why that was my first thought,
but maybe it was God.
Normally it would be “why us?”. We have had so many other problems,
another pipe has busted in the past, we had to change thermostats on our water
heater because we had no hot water, our cars have broken down I don’t know how
many times, the dogs have run away multiple times, we have gotten in several
car accidents, my husband has had 3 leg surgeries, we have had work done on our
heating and air system because its old and needs a lot of help, both my husband
and I have had doctor appointments after doctor appointments, lots of medical tests
done, the list could go on and on about the “problems” we have had, all the
while trying to stay sober one day at a time. Trying to be responsible adults
and take care of things when they arise, instead of completely ignoring them
like we did in the past.
Life is hard. When I was still drinking, that is how I thought
it was supposed to be. Then when I got sober, I thought that magically all life
problems would go away because I was trying to do the next right thing and I
didn’t deserve karma anymore. When we still had problems sober, I got mad, because
I didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be. What I am beginning to
realize now, is that is life. Life is unfair, so let’s stop walking around thinking
that it is supposed to be fair and that everything is supposed to go our way.
What do we do with the “unfair?” We take it by the horns, ask God for help to see us through and guide us in the right direction, and take what we need to do one day, one step at a time. So, what if we have to replace all the piping in our house, we have to replace all the insulation in the crawl space, etc. are we going to complain about it? First things first, we call a plumber and figure out the whole extent of the damage: we see what can be fixed, who we need to call next, talk to our insurance company and see what is and isn’t covered. That’s all we can do, right? That and believe that God will see us through this. Do we wallow in self-pity (which is what I normally do), or do we have gratitude that we actually have tools to deal with these kinds of things? What good will it do to wallow? None, I am slowly but surely realizing. As much as I want to say poor me, that could turn into poor me, poor me, pour me another drink and that will never make anything better. Weirdly enough, I don’t want to drink today, I don’t want to scream and shout, I actually seem to have a little bit of a smile on my face. That’s life!
What I seem to be paying more attention to lately in life is
all its many annoyances. I am naturally a little bit of a “Negative Nancy”, so
it’s safe to say that I easily see all the annoyances out there. If I let
myself, I can be annoyed with absolutely everything.
Just to name a few, I can be annoyed with how people drive
on the road, how slow our food takes at a restaurant, how a job on the house
isn’t being done fast enough, how I wish my husband was at home more, how I
wish I didn’t have so much to do, when all my dogs want to do are go in and out
every 5 minutes, how I wish people would stop texting me about silly things,
how I wish the doctors could actually figure out what is wrong with me, how
long I have to wait at the doctor’s office, how I have too much laundry and
dishes to do, how quickly our house gets dirty, how my husband likes to leave
clothes all over the house, when people ask me to do things that I just don’t
have time or necessarily want to do, when people expect me to have all the time
in the world, when certain people share in meetings, when things get
complicated at work, when we have too much family stuff going on, when people I
need to follow up with wont respond, when there are too many people in Wal-Mart
(or should I say “Hell-Mart” as my husband likes to refer to it as), when the
things I want/need are too expensive, when I’m running out of money, the list
could go on and on. Like I said, if I let myself, I could be annoyed with literally
everything.
But this isn’t how I want to live anymore. I don’t think
anyone does if they really think about it. I don’t want to be miserable, not at
peace, and unhappy, so what do I do to combat this. Well, I ask myself the
question “what makes me happy?” and “what puts a smile on my face?’
So much: Christmas music, Christmas movies, funny TV shows, good
movies that make you cry (but in a good way!), being able to give my dogs a
million kisses, smell their still puppy scent on their ears, and be able to
cuddle with them on the couch, being able to see a beautiful sunset, Christmas
lights, old pictures, watching the PMO Christmas Show that I participated in
when I was a kid, dancing, weddings, watching a good dance, singing, painting,
writing, getting a nice card in the mail, doing anything and everything with my
husband, including going out to dinner, shopping together, going to events
together, cooking together, cuddling on the couch together, sitting around the
fire together, watching a good movie together, or having a really good
conversation, hanging out with friends and being able to feel the trust and
warmth I receive from them, having a lot of laughs with my dad and his family
(which I never thought was possible), eating lunch at Cracker Barrel with my
mom, getting sweet texts from all of my family, seeing my mom’s dog so excited
to see me, feeling good about myself, taking a trip, being able to experience
something new, doing service work including bringing meetings into Detox and
the Jail, having people actually want me to do things and want me to
participate in events (even if I really don’t feel like it, you know how we can
get), having a good conversation with my sponsor, decorating for Christmas,
having a relationship with God, watching a family out shopping or out to dinner
with their kids (if they are being good kids, haha), relaxing, good food (when
I can actually eat it), thinking of things that put a smile on my
face….honestly I could go on all day, which is really pretty cool.
Who would have thought that what makes me happy, far
outweighs those little daily annoyances. When I was drinking I couldn’t see the
happy. Who could when we believed that we lived in a dark, hard, world full of
angst, bad luck, and turmoil? But the reality, which I know today, is that I
have so many good things, happy things, loving things, amazing things that
surround me on a daily basis, that I just don’t even know what to do with it
all. My gratitude and blessings are endless. Maybe this time of year, it’s easier
to see all that because of the reason for the season, or maybe it’s not,
because this time of year also tends to bring more annoyances than ever. Either
way, I know that God has given me such an amazing life, one that I never
thought I could ever hope, dream for, or deserve. So why not give all the glory
to Him and bask in that goodness? Do you think God would want you to stay in
your misery, sadness, loneliness, frustrations, and annoyances, or get to the
other side, open your eyes and see all the amazing wonders of the world that He
has put before us?
Writing this has truly brought me such joy, and I have
determined that I have to get better about keeping these feelings at the
forefront of my mind on a daily basis. I remember when I first got sober, it was
recommended to us to write a gratitude list every morning. A few 24 hours
later, and I’m just not so good at that anymore. Life is too busy, I can’t wake
up early enough, I’ll just do them in my head, but then by the time I get to
work in the morning, I have done nothing of the sort and the first annoyance
that happens, rocks my world. Maybe because I have given myself no defense
against that first annoyance! I watch (well, I hear about it because I’m
technically not awake yet) my husband get up every morning and do his morning
routine, which includes a gratitude list. He didn’t stop on day 30 of sobriety;
he has been religiously making it apart of his life for 3 years and continues
to do that every single day. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he might be
right about that one. Just for today, I will remember everything that makes me
happy, I will pay attention to everything that puts a smile on my face, and I
will bask in the goodness that God has surrounded me with. Today, I am blessed,
and oh so happy.
