Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
As we are approaching the holiday season, I see Christmas EVERYWHERE. Every
single store I am in, I see nothing but Christmas. It almost seems like the
Thanksgiving season has just totally been forgotten. Either way, when you spy
decorations, gifts, wrapping paper, baking items that are all things holiday,
what you tend to find right around the corner, is all things stress.
I remember the day when the holidays were so easy. Let’s start at kids. All
we had to do was try to get some sleep on Christmas Eve and run downstairs
Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought us. Then we would have a nice
holiday breakfast, open presents from family, and hang out all day until dinner
that night. What I didn’t know as a child was how much it really takes to
properly partake in the holidays. What all my parents, especially my mom had to
do for the holiday season: the money spent, the time spent, the planning done,
etc., is quite a feat.
Fast forward a few years where I still didn’t have a care in the world about
the holiday season and was still living like a child, even though I was 20
something years old at the time. Next, we have my first couple of years sober,
where I had gotten my conscience back and actually wanted to start truly
participating, buying presents, sending cards, making baked goods, trying to
spread some holiday cheer.
Today, however, is truly a whole other ball game. 5 plus years sober,
married and 4 + families under my belt, my stress level is through the roof.
Among my every day, ever so busy life, I also get to prepare for this holiday
season. Starting with Thanksgiving, its almost like we have to clone ourselves
to get to everywhere we need to go that day. I guess we need to figure out how
to do that and fast. Then I think about the presents to buy, the food to make,
the cards to send, the calls to make, the presents to wrap, and let’s not even
mention thinking about Christmas plans. We are talking about time and money
that we don’t have. I guess I finally know what it feels like to be an adult,
and it only took me about 30 years to get here.
Why are we so stressed? What are Thanksgiving and Christmas really about? I
guess we are stressed because of how much pressure the holidays put on us.
There is a certain protocol and stigma centered around this time of year,
everything that we are expected to do. But what if we took the holiday season
and turned it back into what it was meant to be, a time of blessing,
thankfulness, happiness, and joy. I thought about this especially recently,
when I went to lunch with my mom a couple of weeks ago. I was flooded by a
sense of peace and happiness, just to have the opportunity to be having lunch
with my mom. There used to be a time in my life, where I couldn’t do that, or
be any kind of usefulness to anyone, for that matter. I thought about how much
I love my mom and my family and how blessed I am to not only have one family,
but 4 +, on top of my very own, favorite family consisting of two crazy dogs
and one amazing husband.
How could I be so ungrateful and let that stress get the better of me?
That’s when as a sober individual, we get to live in each moment and enjoy
every minute we have with our families. Today I have the choice to cherish
these precious moments, take in the love, put a smile on my face, and remember
just how good God really is. So, this holiday season, I will take with gratitude,
grace, and nothing but love. Or at least, that is the goal. I also didn’t say I
was perfect, but thank God it’s all about progress, but perfection. Thank God
for that, and thank God for this beautiful life.
After being out of commission for a few days, my recent experiences have
prompted me to write this topic for a new blog post: “Sick”. Exactly
what kind of sick am I talking about? Well, there are many kinds of SICK,
physical, emotional, and spiritual, so let’s talk about them all. I remember
when I was newly sober, they told me that my disease was a sickness of the
mind, body and soul. That once we got rid of the alcohol and started feeling
better physically, we then had to get ourselves better emotionally and
spiritually. What I learned is that continuing to drink, I was being blocked
from the sunlight of the spirit, but that I couldn’t work on the latter,
without physically getting ourselves better first.
Something that I have been struggling with for the past couple of years is
physically being sick. And its the kind of sick, that no matter how many tests
are run, medicines are tried, and diets are started, somehow, we still can’t
figure out exactly what is going on inside of my body. I thank God for my
husband, because he has been with me every step of the way, cheering me on, and
feeding me hope, strength, peace, and unconditional love. He has this way about
him, that always calms me down in the most stressful situations. I also have to
say that I can’t fault the doctors, they are doing their best, but as the
“sick” individual, its the most frustrating thing in the world. Most
recently my symptoms have been getting worse, the pain, nausea, the fatigue,
and overall feeling of being unwell, just wont go away.
What I have also found is as the symptoms progress, more tests are done, and
more questions are being unanswered, the emotional and spiritual parts of me
are suffering too, they are “sick” if you will. I feel more of a
disconnect with God, more frustrations with myself, my job, the dogs, etc, and
my emotions seem to be through the roof at times. Up. Down. Up. Down. It almost
reminds me of early sobriety. Just like in early sobriety, it was virtually
impossible to find a connection with God, and try to work on myself, without
taking the drink away and physically getting ourselves well first. Now you are
trying to tell me, that even though I am physically unwell, and it seems that I
won’t be feeling any better today, that emotionally I need to be of a sane mind
and spiritually I need to be connected to my Higher Power. How the hell am I
supposed to do that? Of course when they say the pain gets great enough, we
WILL do something different.
What I have learned is that I have to work even harder at these things now.
Do I do it perfectly? Absolutely not. There are days I fall short, I still get
frustrated, I get down with myself, I feel anxious, and disconnected, but that
doesn’t mean I quit. I just try again tomorrow. By working more persistently, I
have been able to find things that I am truly passionate about, writing,
painting, decorating, helping others. It all gets me out of myself, become
closer to God, and makes me forget about the fact that I just don’t feel good.
My husband also helps in more ways than he knows. He encourages me to seek the
sunlight of the spirit even more, because I watch him do it every day. They
never said that sobriety would be easy and they especially didn’t say that life
would be easy, and that’s okay. What I do know is that I am truly blessed to be
on this beautiful, crazy journey, that we call life. And one day at a time, we
will rock at it, knowing that God and the amazing people that support and love
us, will forever be by our side, walking with or carrying us, every step of the
way.
Hello everyone and happy Friday! Thank goodness its Friday, right? I remember, back in the day I couldn’t wait for Friday, because it gave me even more of an excuse to drink the way I wanted to. Tonight, a few years later, I have a different kind of Friday.
Usually I am so exhausted from go, go, going during the week, that I completely crash on Fridays, and am pretty much good for nothing. It kind of turns into my regroup evening, and hey, I think I deserve a day like that ever once in a while. Today after work, my husband and I came home to be greeted by our very large, in charge, and couldn’t be happier to see us, two dogs. They are a mess, but it is definitely a good feeling to come home to. We said our hellos with kisses, hugs and play time. Then my husband started to grill. Thank goodness, because I am definitely not what one would call a grill master. My husband, on the other hand, definitely is and actually enjoys it, so, hats off to him. Keep doing your thing, babe because you rock at it! We made the rest of dinner and I went around the house straightening and rearranging probably about half of the house, because for some reason I feel like I always need to be doing 25 things at once. We had a cozy dinner with place settings, conversations, and laughs.
As my husband went to a meeting tonight (yes he is one of us too!), I stayed home to clean the kitchen and do a little writing. The kind of writing I am talking about tonight is in the form of a letter. A very special letter to a very special person. This person is where I was, not too long ago, on the “inside” and cleaning up the wreckage of her past. I couldn’t be more proud. I knew this particular woman from a few years ago. She was living at the same treatment center that I had attended and was doing the deal. She is such a beautiful soul and we became fairly close. Then, as so many of us do, she lost her way, but by God’s grace was able to find the path again even in a place such as where she is now.
I remember when I was incarcerated, sometimes the only form of hope, love, and support, came in the form of letters. I remember the first day that I received a letter, I’m sure that I couldn’t stop crying. I had such an amazing support system, and I can honestly say, I received at least one letter every single day I was on “the inside”. I don’t think I can properly explain just how profound and wonderful that was. God winks all over the place. Thank God for the friends and family who took the time out of their busy days, just to write me a letter. No matter how long or how short, they all meant the absolute world to me. They were those little rays of hope and light, that kept shining for me in the darkness that was in my surroundings. I couldn’t thank God enough for those people and those letters.
So now, it gets to be my turn and I couldn’t be more grateful. I got to write one of those letters, but this time on the other side. I had the opportunity to be able to give just a little hope, strength, love and light, to someone who I can relate to and someone who I know what its like to be where she is right now. One of the promises that is given to us when we find this new way of life, is that we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. There was a time when I wished none of my past existed, but what I know now, is I went through everything that I went to because that was how it was supposed to be. I believe it is now my purpose to help others in need by giving back and telling my story, my whole story, hoping that someone out there can relate. My purpose is to give my experience, strength and hope as it was so freely given to me. My past was not the easiest, in active alcoholism, early sobriety, or even a few years down the road, but that’s what makes me who I am. I use all of it to share with someone else. I thank God everyday for giving me a purpose, a purpose to shine just a little bit of light in the sickness, misery, and darkness. Just a little bit of light to show that recovery IS possible, and no matter what we go through, there will always be a way to get to the other side.
Through the years in sobriety I have changed direction a time or two with the service work I participate in. I started at one homegroup, young in sobriety I greeted, led the newcomers meetings, chaired meetings, led discussions, then became a co-chair of the Newcomers Committee. It got to a point where I felt like I needed a spiritual boost, my growth had been stunted, and I needed to do something different. Don’t get me wrong, it is an amazing homegroup and was the perfect place for a new woman in sobriety.
But when you have that gut feeling, you probably need to make a change. I moved to a different homegroup and continued serving, because that is what we are supposed to do, after all. I was sponsoring other women, chairing meetings, was the Chair Person and Secretary for our business meetings, led discussions, and spoke wherever I was asked. I still do these things today. This again, was another change that I needed at the time.
But then I needed something more. Us alcoholics, always need MORE. So I went a little further and started bringing meetings into the women’s jail and the detox facility and suddenly felt fulfilled. These volunteer jobs have been the most amazing experiences that I have been able to participate in. I think perhaps, I have finally found my calling, my passion. Isn’t that what we look for our entire lives? Something that we get to be involved in on a regular basis, AND it can actually be something that we love and are passionate about. That is truly something special.
Why am I writing about this tonight? Well, because I just came from bringing a meeting into a detox facility. Tonight was particularly meaningful because I got to do this for the first time as a leader of the meeting, and 2 newly sober women came with me. One, who I met that night, about 3 months sober, and the other, my newest sponsee, a few days sober. I love being able to experience bringing meetings into places like that, but I especially doing it with newly sober women who have never experienced that before. To see the light come on in people’s eyes, to be part of a first experience like that, is truly a magical thing. I can appreciate where I came from and I pray the women who were with me tonight, could have that same appreciation. It can be an easy thing to forget, even when we are just a few days sober. I have learned that with these activities, not only do I get to try to help others, but it also keeps it green for me. It gives me a reminder of where I used to be and where I most certainly don’t want to go back to, just for today.
I find this particularly moving, because all I can think about is where I was a little over 5 years ago, in that exact same spot. Never did I think that I would be helping people in this way. When I was out there drinking, I wouldn’t help anyone. I was selfish and self centered and it didn’t even cross my mind that other people needed help. I was the only one that mattered. That’s what drinking will do to you. It hides our innermost self. I thank God I get to be the true person that God wants me to be today. Is it work to be selfless, God centered, looking for the next person to help, and constantly taking action to enlarge my spiritual life? Of course it is. But I can without a doubt say how worth it, it truly is. It’s the best “high” I have ever had. A high that drugs and alcohol couldn’t even touch.
Faith without works is dead. If I had a penny for every time I heard this phrase over the last 5 years, I might actually have a whole dollar. We see this phrase in our book, we hear it in meetings, but what does it actually mean?
I remember when I was newly sober, my sponsor and I had gotten to the 3rd step in our program and we hit a stand still. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to do the work, but the God concept seemed just so foreign to me. I am the type of person who has to be able to understand it and figure it out, and because you can’t really do that with God, I hit a road block. I had doubts and there was something holding me back from getting rid of these doubts. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things in your life that you have worked so hard to hold on to, even if its killing you to keep holding on to them? Let go or be dragged, my sponsor would always say.
Yes, I had grown up in church, my family and I went every Sunday. I attended a children’s Bible Study, participated in Vacation Bible School, had my own confirmation, and of course was baptized as a baby. As the years progressed, I found it harder and harder to participate in church. I tried to fit in and attend youth groups and church on Sunday, but something always just didn’t feel right. As I got even older and started drinking, soon, that was my number one priority and church really didn’t fit anymore. If I was in church, I was either hungover or still drunk from the night before. I also remember that as the years progressed, while my parents always seemed to be so active in church, soon enough the activity became less and less. My mom was the one that wanted to be active and she was on her own time, but my dad didn’t seem like he wanted much to do with it. He didn’t go to Bible study anymore, we didn’t hang out with church friends anymore, and although he still went to church on Sundays, it wasn’t necessarily a pleasant affair.
I had been attending a church with my mom in our hometown when I went away to college and I would go to that church with her if I was home on the weekends, although the way I was living my life, most certainly blocked me from any hope and love that church was trying to provide. I became familiar with the associate pastor at that church, he worked more with the youth and young adults, and when I did finally get sober, he absolutely became a gift from God. I remember when I went away to treatment and to live in the halfway house, he would send letters and emails telling me how much God loved me and how proud he was of me for making a change. I remember when he wrote a reference letter for me when I went to court. I remember when the judge read that letter, with all the others that had been written on my behalf and ended up taking a recess in the middle of court, just to try to figure out how to give me the shortest possible sentence. (I have to include, I found out later, that she actually knew and trusted my pastor, which may have been what touched her so deeply in trying to do something different for me.) I remember when my pastor would come visit me every single week when I was in jail and continued to keep in touch with me when I got transferred to Black Mountain. I remember when he was at my mom’s house the day I got out of Black Mountain to show his support and love. I remember keeping in contact with him over the years and seeing him every time I was in my hometown. I remember asking him to preside over our wedding. I remember meeting with him and my husband, and the support and love he so freely gave. I also remember the most powerful and heartfelt words that he spoke on our wedding, words that will never be forgotten.
The reason I tell this story is because its one of the biggest things that come to my mind when I think about faith. I remember when I got stuck on that step, my sponsor finally asked the question that changed my life: “shouldn’t I be more afraid to NOT believe, than to believe.” That was it. It clicked. I was afraid. Afraid of giving my life over to a stranger (God) and I had no idea what He was going to do with it. I was afraid that maybe the whole God thing wasn’t even real. But then I experience things like this story, and how can I not believe?
I heard recently that faith is not necessarily a lack of fear, but having just a little more faith than fear. Thank God for that, because I think there will always be some fear there. We are human after all. But what I can believe today, because I have experienced it time and time again, is if we open our eyes and let God do the work, absolutely amazing things can happen. If we can let go of what we think we need to control in our life, then miracles beyond our wildest dreams can happen. I was terrified to get sober, and 5 years later, I have the most beautiful life that I could have ever imagined, only because I actually got sober. I was terrified of getting into a relationship again, but instead of fear completely taking over, I took a little step of faith and let God do His work. And here we are, 3 years later, married and happier than I could ever image. I was terrified to buy my own home, but here we are a year later, living in OUR very own home, only because I gave a little bit of faith to some very amazing people who walked my husband and I down that path.
What I also have to remember is that it takes a little struggle and a little action to have the faith thing happen. We actually have to do something, and that something is probably different than what we have ever done before. And yes, there are days that I still have doubts. Like, the days when everything seems to go wrong: the car dies, its a stressful at work, a pipe bursts in the house, the hot water goes out, I burn dinner, I stub my toe, our dogs run away (don’t worry, we got them back), I have yet another medical bill in the mail, I have 25 things on my to do list, I break a candle holder, I lose that really important paper that I needed (and my mind), and I’m thinking to myself, seriously God, where were You in all this? That’s when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I get to remember all the times that I absolutely knew God was there, and how with everything in my life He has always been by my side. What I have realized is that a lot of the time, I was holding on to that fear or the way I thought it was supposed to be, so tightly, that there was no way for God to squeeze through for me to see Him. He was still there, but I didn’t give Him enough room. How rude of me! That IS God after all.
So, take the time today to remember your blessings, thank God, give yourself a hug, help someone else, and take a leap. And don’t forget that just a little bit of faith can bring amazing miracles.
When I was staying in the halfway house during my first year of sobriety, I remember someone coming up with the phrase, “God Winks”, in other words, signs from God. I remember liking the idea of them being winks, like God was smiling at me and giving me little subtle hints of His works. What I have found over the years is that these God winks can come in all different shapes and sizes, some that are so big that you truly feel the power of God, and some that are so small that if you don’t keep your eyes open, you might miss them. They can come in the form of life events, feelings, and of course, other beautiful human beings.
The first time I felt the true power of God, I was riding in the back of a police van, coming from jail and riding to the prison in Raleigh. I think the only way to properly explain this story, is to start from the beginning. I had been in jail for almost 2 months out of my 5 month sentence. I was almost a year sober at the time. The PLAN, or so I thought, was that I would finish the 2 months in jail, and then be moved to Black Mountain (a DOC Women’s Treatment Facility) for my remaining 3 months. Why did I think this was the plan? Well maybe because the judge, my lawyer, and probation officer all seemed to be on board with this same plan. I remember the day they called me out of my cell to tell me it was time to go away. I thought, okay, I guess I’m going to Black Mountain early, although, I had a feeling that something just wasn’t quite right.
Being the controlling, perfectionist that I am, of course I proceeded to ask the jail officers where I was going and they proceeded to tell me: to a 13 month sentence at the Raleigh prison. Wait, WHAT? THIS WASN’T THE PLAN!!! I didn’t understand what was going on and I knew it wasn’t right, but when you are in jail and being led around in handcuffs, you don’t really have any other options but to do as you are told and agree with what they are saying. I got in the back of that van, scared to death, trying to think of how I was going to figure this one out, and we started our journey to Raleigh. But what ended up happening in that van, was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt the true presence of God. I felt a wave of peace, calm and serenity, a feeling that I had NEVER experienced before in my life and in that moment I was happy. Happy that I was going to real deal prison? Hell no. But I WAS happy because I knew without a doubt that God had my back and I WOULD be able to get through this.
Feeling of God: check. What happened next, was truly another huge wink from God. We were probably no more than 10 minutes away from Raleigh and the driver of the van got a phone call. All at once, she took the first exit and changed directions, going back where we came from. She stated that the call she got was from someone from jail, a guardian angel of sorts, and that they had made a mistake with me. I was not supposed to go to Raleigh, but instead Black Mountain, so she was taking me back to jail where I would wait for my ride to Black Mountain. Was this real? Did this really just happen? Was this a coincidence or was it God?
People of God: next check. What I later found out, was the back story behind everything that happened with me that day. My mom had called the jail for some reason or another, and found out that I was being shipped to Raleigh. From there, she called my lawyer, who immediately called my probation officer and the judge who presided over my case. The next thing we know (or I should say that my mom knows) is that all 3 of them are huddled in the judge’s chambers to figure out how to get me back and get me to where I really needed to go. By some miracle, they made it in the nick of time with 10 minutes to spare. The judge was actually the guardian angel who called the jail and told them to stop that van and bring it back. That chain of events, still baffles me to this day and every time I think about it, sends chills up and down my spine: God winks to the highest degree.
I have to keep this experience close to my heart, because I don’t know if I have ever quite felt that kind of God presence again in my life. Yes, of course I have had moments of peace and clarity, nudges in this direction or that direction. I have had signs from God that came through other people, and I have had feelings, such as at my wedding, that I did in fact feel the presence of God through my husband and everyone else there to love and support us. I am learning to hold on to every single one of these God winks and to keep my eyes open for more to come.
As I was thinking about what to write for today, thousands of thoughts seemed to swarm in my head, and I have determined that it feels like there just isn’t enough time in the world to express it all. But, as any good perfectionist, alcoholic would say, I will do it anyways. So here we go on to our next blog post.
I had a conversation with someone today about living in the moment and today, this phrase seemed to catch me off guard. I remember when I was newly sober, thinking life was so horrible, and just waiting for it to be tomorrow, next month, next year, 5 years from now. I guess I thought that I wasn’t really living yet. The FIREWORKS hadn’t started yet. I had rules and regulations, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do, and I was just doing the same things, day in and day out. I couldn’t wait for it to be in the future, to be through with everything that I had to get through, to get a boyfriend, to get my own place, to get a good job, to get my license back, so on and so forth. The life that I was living at the time, just didn’t seem to be good enough.
Well, today, I can honestly say that I am currently residing in that woman’s future, and STILL its not good enough. I own a home, my very first home, and I look around thinking, I want bigger bathrooms and closets, new floors, fresh paint, a new kitchen, a garage, a pool, new furniture, the list could go on and on. I think about the health issues that I am having and want to be in the future, where I have no health issues, we are more financially stable, and can truly think about having a child. I think about the job that I have and how I wish I could already be in the future, where I can make just a little more money so I that I can actually survive.
I guess the point that I am trying to make is, that for humans, and especially for alcoholics, such as myself, that nothing ever seems to be good enough. We want to hurry to the future where things can be “bigger and better”, so we think. But here’s the thing. When did we stop living in the present? Isn’t that what life is about, living in the moment and taking every moment in to the absolute fullest? I look back on my early sober years and I think about how much I must have missed, by being so focused on the future, thinking things should be grander than it was in the present moment. Maybe I missed some important conversations or some signs from God. Maybe I missed a good laugh, a hug, or a smile. Maybe I missed being able to just BE.
Just for today, I will choose to live in today. I will choose to be grateful. Because here’s the truth of it, I have SO much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends, a loving and wonderful husband, the sweetest fur babies, a supportive and loving family, a job, a roof over my head, enough money to pay the bills, and a couple of cars that my husband gets to drive me around in. Instead of rushing through life just to get to the other side, I will take the time to hug my husband and give him a kiss after a long days work, I will take the time to cuddle with my dogs, I will take the time to text a friend, I will take the time to talk to God, and I will take the time to tell someone I love them. I want to be present for this journey called life and I don’t want to miss a thing. And guess what? This beautiful life that I have been given, that WE have been given, is none other than a gift from God. That, I believe, IS GOOD ENOUGH.
So how do we stay sane in the everyday grind? And what does sanity even mean? My program teaches me that God can and will restore our sanity, but on some days, I think God definitely has His hands full. When I first got sober, it was all about how to stay away from a drink one day at a time. As I look back, I think that might have been the easiest part about it for me. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to drink every second of every day for the first 6 months was not pleasant, but my life wasn’t all that difficult then either. Granted, it was hard, along with having to deal with my upcoming incarceration, but despite those things, I really had it pretty good. I didn’t have to worry about paying bills, taking care of a family, being a productive member of society, or being a responsible adult. I just had to keep my head above water, and do what everyone else told me to do: clean your room, say a prayer, call your sponsor, go to work, go to a meeting, work the steps.
Now, 5 years later, I have bills to pay, a family consisting of a husband and two crazy dogs to be committed to, a house (that I actually own) to take care of, a job to go to, volunteer commitments to attend, family commitments (and with now 4 families, that is a lot) to keep track of, planning for the future, taking the dogs to the vet, taking myself to the doctor and attempting to take care of my health issues, laundry, dishes, cleaning, making meals, and having too many calendars and to do lists for me to even keep track of, sometimes it feels like I just can’t keep up with it all. It may sound like I’m complaining, and yes I am a little (apparently that is in my nature) but I am also very grateful.
At times, I think back on early sobriety and even comment with my husband, that life just seemed so easy then! I reminisce at times, but I know that I can’t back and I know that I don’t actually want to go back. Life is about change and growth. If we are moving backward, then we aren’t moving forward, and that can even be worse than just standing still.
This weekend for example, we have been taking care of our friend’s dog. Great dog, great friends, but oh my gosh, its been a fun weekend to say the least. Taking care of 3 dogs is no joke, especially when all they want to do ALL THE TIME, is play, play, and play some more. This also includes at all hours of the night, which means that my husband and I have gotten no sleep what so ever. We were thinking about getting another dog, or even having a child in the future, but now we might be rethinking those grand ideas. All kidding aside, I’m sure one day we will have another dog or even a few kids running around (of course if God sees fit), but I can promise you this, I am exhausted and extremely irritable. Rightfully so I suppose, but at the same time, Laura, haven’t you forgotten about your blessings? Don’t you remember where you used to be, drinking alone, by yourself, miserable and no good to anyone? And now, you actually have friends that trust you and know they can count on you to take care of their dog. Just look at you now! Doing big things and stuff.
Moral of the story, know that God has got this and He has you every single step of the way. Don’t forget about your blessings, because if you are alive and breathing, trust me, you have some. I have taken on blogging, which seems to help to relieve some stress. Practice yoga, go to the gym, do some devotionals, talk to God, call someone. Just don’t forget about you. Take some time for you. The crazier life gets, we tend to put ourselves on the back burner, thinking we are superwoman and despite it all, can and will get it done. Maybe we can, but what we will also get is resentful, miserable, annoyed, and negative, if we don’t take some action to grow our spiritual condition through it all. Trust me, this has saved me a time or too. As stressful as life gets, as down as we get, just remember that it can always be worse. If I choose to take a drink again, I know for a fact, that it will most certainly be worse. Just for today, I choose to live this beautiful life that God has blessed me with.
Why did I decide to start blogging? Well, good question. To be able to answer that question fully, lets go back in time to about 5 years ago. I had gotten my 4th DWI, which became a habitual felony charge. Turns out the state of North Carolina, doesn’t really like drunk driving, and a lot of it. I don’t blame them. In one point in time for many years I was a true menace to society. Once I got this 4th DWI, because 3 just wasn’t enough for me at the time, I had officially run out of options. I always say, that God has to hit me over the head a few times, for me to finally get it. Fast forward to a little bit in time, and at around 10 months of sobriety under my belt, I had to officially clean up the wreckage of my past. I had signed my life away to 13-25 months in prison, which in my opinion, at the time, I rightfully deserved. And I was ready. I’m not sure if you are ever ready to go to prison, but I was. I was sober and had found a solution and I was ready to do what I needed to do. By God’s grace and a merciful judge, I was sentenced to only 5 months in prison.
I spent 2 out of the 5 months in county jail, which is an experience to say the least. Sure, I had been to jail plenty of times before, but this was the longest I had ever been. Was I scared? Absolutely. But, I also knew God had by back and I was prepared for whatever came my way. You definitely have to get creative to find things to do in jail. This was a building with no windows, no outside, and minimal time outside of your cell itself. So, what did I do? I WROTE. I wrote letters to friends in recovery and family. I had the strongest support system that any one human could imagine. But I also wrote for myself. The one thing that I really enjoyed in school. was writing. I didn’t necessarily think I was great at it, But I was the type of person, that once I started, I couldn’t stop. I sometimes had so many things to say that I couldn’t write or type fast enough.
In jail, I wrote about everything. And I wrote every single day. Whatever thoughts were coming to me that day, past, present, or future, I wrote them down. These included recent past, like the experiences I had in the treatment facility I stayed in for 90 days, or in the halfway house I had stayed in for 6 months. They also included longtime past, like my drinking experiences, good, bad, and very bad, my childhood, you name it. They included the present, my thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing sitting in this tiny jail cell, hearing the loud bang when the gates close that will haunt you forever, or the future, my goals and dreams for what I will do when I get through all this. I remember when I told my mom that I had been writing in there, she said “You should write a book!”. I never really had anymore thought to that until now.
Something that I have experienced over the years in sobriety, is I have periods of time where I can feel stuck, like I’m not growing, changing or moving forward. Thank God I haven’t taken a drink over these feelings, but I know if I stay stuck for long enough, taking a drink would be inevitable. Most recently, my feeling of being stuck started after I got married, which was about a month ago. I wasn’t happy with some things in my life, including a career, the future, my health issues, my passions, dreams and interests. I almost felt as though I had none, or any that did come to mind, I was scared to death. Fear will paralyze you into not making a change. But what I have learned is that making a change, can actually save you. Don’t get me wrong, my wedding and honeymoon and everything with that, were probably the best experiences of my life, a high that you cant get with drugs and alcohol. I married the best man I could possibly ask for and I know he was brought into my life by God, and God alone. But that high will only last for so long, and then I get to thinking, which usually is not the best place for me to be.
As I said before, God knows to hit me over the head for me to start “getting it” and that’s just what happened. I have been volunteering at the detox center in town and at the women’s jail in the area, bringing meetings and speaking the men and women, providing experience, strength and hope. I very much enjoy these activities and I suddenly realized that maybe, just maybe that is my passion, my calling, to help people in this way. I have been apart of lots of other service that goes along with my program, that includes sponsoring other woman who are struggling with the same issues that I am, and I suddenly I realized that I want to be able to help as many people as I can. So, why not start a blog.
I had no idea how to start a blog, how many people would really want to read what I wrote in a blog, and I was terrified to even start the process, but God kept nudging at me to do it. So here we are, a few nudges later, and we are writing a blog. Whoever is reading this, I want you to know, that if you are struggling with the same issues I have, or even different ones, that we can all be in this together. I believe we were put on this earth to help others, to love others, and perhaps my calling is to help others through my writing. Whenever I speak to groups, individuals, or through a computer, I speak nothing but MY truth. I want to be as real as possible, so that maybe someone out there can relate to the words I am saying. There is hope, I promise. You just have to stick around long enough to see the miracle happen.
