Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to
show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have
been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory
lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness
(even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect
on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now
that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles
that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own,
the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond
ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the
restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I
have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was
physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have
the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for
me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the
present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my
couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I
was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I
think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed,
and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never
been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been
constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and
down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten
better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy
and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself.
I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am
rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband
where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes,
dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I
have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give
kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so
freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down
and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single
day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”,
but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up
and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than
when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it
be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only
based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green
and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my
life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world.
Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and
not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine
through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then
maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and
listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day.
If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults
and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses
and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss
my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
Faith without works is dead. If I had a penny for every time I heard this phrase over the last 5 years, I might actually have a whole dollar. We see this phrase in our book, we hear it in meetings, but what does it actually mean?
I remember when I was newly sober, my sponsor and I had gotten to the 3rd step in our program and we hit a stand still. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to do the work, but the God concept seemed just so foreign to me. I am the type of person who has to be able to understand it and figure it out, and because you can’t really do that with God, I hit a road block. I had doubts and there was something holding me back from getting rid of these doubts. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things in your life that you have worked so hard to hold on to, even if its killing you to keep holding on to them? Let go or be dragged, my sponsor would always say.
Yes, I had grown up in church, my family and I went every Sunday. I attended a children’s Bible Study, participated in Vacation Bible School, had my own confirmation, and of course was baptized as a baby. As the years progressed, I found it harder and harder to participate in church. I tried to fit in and attend youth groups and church on Sunday, but something always just didn’t feel right. As I got even older and started drinking, soon, that was my number one priority and church really didn’t fit anymore. If I was in church, I was either hungover or still drunk from the night before. I also remember that as the years progressed, while my parents always seemed to be so active in church, soon enough the activity became less and less. My mom was the one that wanted to be active and she was on her own time, but my dad didn’t seem like he wanted much to do with it. He didn’t go to Bible study anymore, we didn’t hang out with church friends anymore, and although he still went to church on Sundays, it wasn’t necessarily a pleasant affair.
I had been attending a church with my mom in our hometown when I went away to college and I would go to that church with her if I was home on the weekends, although the way I was living my life, most certainly blocked me from any hope and love that church was trying to provide. I became familiar with the associate pastor at that church, he worked more with the youth and young adults, and when I did finally get sober, he absolutely became a gift from God. I remember when I went away to treatment and to live in the halfway house, he would send letters and emails telling me how much God loved me and how proud he was of me for making a change. I remember when he wrote a reference letter for me when I went to court. I remember when the judge read that letter, with all the others that had been written on my behalf and ended up taking a recess in the middle of court, just to try to figure out how to give me the shortest possible sentence. (I have to include, I found out later, that she actually knew and trusted my pastor, which may have been what touched her so deeply in trying to do something different for me.) I remember when my pastor would come visit me every single week when I was in jail and continued to keep in touch with me when I got transferred to Black Mountain. I remember when he was at my mom’s house the day I got out of Black Mountain to show his support and love. I remember keeping in contact with him over the years and seeing him every time I was in my hometown. I remember asking him to preside over our wedding. I remember meeting with him and my husband, and the support and love he so freely gave. I also remember the most powerful and heartfelt words that he spoke on our wedding, words that will never be forgotten.
The reason I tell this story is because its one of the biggest things that come to my mind when I think about faith. I remember when I got stuck on that step, my sponsor finally asked the question that changed my life: “shouldn’t I be more afraid to NOT believe, than to believe.” That was it. It clicked. I was afraid. Afraid of giving my life over to a stranger (God) and I had no idea what He was going to do with it. I was afraid that maybe the whole God thing wasn’t even real. But then I experience things like this story, and how can I not believe?
I heard recently that faith is not necessarily a lack of fear, but having just a little more faith than fear. Thank God for that, because I think there will always be some fear there. We are human after all. But what I can believe today, because I have experienced it time and time again, is if we open our eyes and let God do the work, absolutely amazing things can happen. If we can let go of what we think we need to control in our life, then miracles beyond our wildest dreams can happen. I was terrified to get sober, and 5 years later, I have the most beautiful life that I could have ever imagined, only because I actually got sober. I was terrified of getting into a relationship again, but instead of fear completely taking over, I took a little step of faith and let God do His work. And here we are, 3 years later, married and happier than I could ever image. I was terrified to buy my own home, but here we are a year later, living in OUR very own home, only because I gave a little bit of faith to some very amazing people who walked my husband and I down that path.
What I also have to remember is that it takes a little struggle and a little action to have the faith thing happen. We actually have to do something, and that something is probably different than what we have ever done before. And yes, there are days that I still have doubts. Like, the days when everything seems to go wrong: the car dies, its a stressful at work, a pipe bursts in the house, the hot water goes out, I burn dinner, I stub my toe, our dogs run away (don’t worry, we got them back), I have yet another medical bill in the mail, I have 25 things on my to do list, I break a candle holder, I lose that really important paper that I needed (and my mind), and I’m thinking to myself, seriously God, where were You in all this? That’s when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I get to remember all the times that I absolutely knew God was there, and how with everything in my life He has always been by my side. What I have realized is that a lot of the time, I was holding on to that fear or the way I thought it was supposed to be, so tightly, that there was no way for God to squeeze through for me to see Him. He was still there, but I didn’t give Him enough room. How rude of me! That IS God after all.
So, take the time today to remember your blessings, thank God, give yourself a hug, help someone else, and take a leap. And don’t forget that just a little bit of faith can bring amazing miracles.
