With everything that has been going on in this world in the last year, or last few years, there is one simple question that comes to my mind: “where is God?” I remember when I first got sober, the whole God concept seemed super difficult and foreign to me, mainly because I was still unwilling to fully let go, but what I am realizing now, is that it wasn’t actually as difficult as I thought.
Over 6 years ago, life was a little simpler, and less complicated. Life wasn’t necessarily easier, but I had less to deal with. There was one thing going on at a time, and life seemed to go in slow motion. Now, fast forward to today, there is way too much going on, on fast forward…in my own life and in the world as a whole.
The honest truth is, I look around and shake my head these days. I can’t watch the news because it is too depressing. I have a hard time going out because I’m wearing a mask and I look around me and everyone else is wearing a mask too. For me, it’s been a weird reality to grasp. I hear and see on social media, in the grocery store, on the road, with family, in the work place, about hate, manipulation, selfishness, chaos, sin run ramp it, fear, rudeness, and I wonder how things seemed to get so bad. I don’t remember it being this way before. Was it because I used to be part of it? Was because I didn’t care about it? Was it because I was too obliterated to even notice?
Have I finally grown up and become clear-headed enough to start seeing life as it really is? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. Some days more so than others, because let’s face it, life can get hard. Overall, I have a pretty fantastic life today, but when thinking about the world around me, I can certainly let it get me down. When did people stop being nice to each other? When did people start thinking that their opinion is the only one that matters? When did people become so entitled? When did people start thinking that violence is the only way to solve conflicts? When did people start being sarcastic, belittling, demeaning, selfish, and rude?
What I believe is that this sin has always been in the world. We know this from the beginning of time. There have always been wars, conflicts, hate, and selfishness, but I also believe that there was still a lot of good going on in the world too. Now, almost everything I see and hear about involves sin. So, I ask again, where is God? Where is the light? Where is the good? Where are the good Samaritans and the people who uplift others and applaud others? Where are the people who can have civilized conversations? Where is the kindness and the selflessness? Where are the people who let things go instead of trying to manipulate everyone and everything to their liking?
So, the next question I ask myself is what can I do about it? Well for starters, I choose to separate myself from toxic people, those that include the drama, the manipulation, and the attitudes. Then I try to do better myself on a daily basis, because don’t get me wrong, I can definitely have an attitude from time to time. I can think I’m right a lot of the time and listening to someone else’s opinion is out of the question. I can roll my eyes, or say something I shouldn’t say, because reality check, sin is in me too. But what I am grateful for today is having a program that teaches me to try to be different, try to do better, and try to do the next right thing.
Lastly, I have a God that I can rely on, to show me the light and to help me to show the light in my everyday life. Yes, I am just one person in the huge world, but what’s the harm that I could cause if I try to make a difference, if I try to show some kindness and respect, if I try to do the next right thing? And where can I find that same light elsewhere? With people who are trying to do the same thing I am, one day, one step at a time.
Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to
show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have
been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory
lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness
(even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect
on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now
that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles
that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own,
the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond
ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the
restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I
have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was
physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have
the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for
me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the
present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my
couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I
was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I
think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed,
and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never
been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been
constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and
down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten
better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy
and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself.
I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am
rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband
where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes,
dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I
have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give
kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so
freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down
and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single
day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”,
but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up
and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than
when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it
be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only
based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green
and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my
life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world.
Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and
not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine
through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then
maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and
listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day.
If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults
and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses
and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss
my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
My husband and I heard an interesting church sermon about a
week ago. The pastor was talking about how life is unfair, yet we walk around
thinking that it should be fair. He was referring to how we act when bad things
happen in our life. The first thing we do when something bad happens is ask “why
did this happen to me”, like the world is out to get us. What the pastor
explained is that life is unfair because of sin, but there is a just and loving
God personally involved that will work things out in His way and His time. God
does not punish us, but He will see us through whatever comes our way.
I guess the reason I bring this up today, is one, its
something I have been thinking about, and two, of what happened today. Our
water at our house has been acting strangely for the past couple of weeks, not
getting as hot as it usually is on some days, then fine on other days. We didn’t
think too much of it, until my husband finally went under the house this
morning to find the entire crawl space soaking wet, pipes busted, water heater
busted, insulation coming down, possible floor damage, top to bottom wet, the
whole nine. I woke up to this and the very first thought I had was “life is
unfair” and even chuckled a little. I don’t know why that was my first thought,
but maybe it was God.
Normally it would be “why us?”. We have had so many other problems,
another pipe has busted in the past, we had to change thermostats on our water
heater because we had no hot water, our cars have broken down I don’t know how
many times, the dogs have run away multiple times, we have gotten in several
car accidents, my husband has had 3 leg surgeries, we have had work done on our
heating and air system because its old and needs a lot of help, both my husband
and I have had doctor appointments after doctor appointments, lots of medical tests
done, the list could go on and on about the “problems” we have had, all the
while trying to stay sober one day at a time. Trying to be responsible adults
and take care of things when they arise, instead of completely ignoring them
like we did in the past.
Life is hard. When I was still drinking, that is how I thought
it was supposed to be. Then when I got sober, I thought that magically all life
problems would go away because I was trying to do the next right thing and I
didn’t deserve karma anymore. When we still had problems sober, I got mad, because
I didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be. What I am beginning to
realize now, is that is life. Life is unfair, so let’s stop walking around thinking
that it is supposed to be fair and that everything is supposed to go our way.
What do we do with the “unfair?” We take it by the horns, ask God for help to see us through and guide us in the right direction, and take what we need to do one day, one step at a time. So, what if we have to replace all the piping in our house, we have to replace all the insulation in the crawl space, etc. are we going to complain about it? First things first, we call a plumber and figure out the whole extent of the damage: we see what can be fixed, who we need to call next, talk to our insurance company and see what is and isn’t covered. That’s all we can do, right? That and believe that God will see us through this. Do we wallow in self-pity (which is what I normally do), or do we have gratitude that we actually have tools to deal with these kinds of things? What good will it do to wallow? None, I am slowly but surely realizing. As much as I want to say poor me, that could turn into poor me, poor me, pour me another drink and that will never make anything better. Weirdly enough, I don’t want to drink today, I don’t want to scream and shout, I actually seem to have a little bit of a smile on my face. That’s life!
Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
As we are approaching the holiday season, I see Christmas EVERYWHERE. Every
single store I am in, I see nothing but Christmas. It almost seems like the
Thanksgiving season has just totally been forgotten. Either way, when you spy
decorations, gifts, wrapping paper, baking items that are all things holiday,
what you tend to find right around the corner, is all things stress.
I remember the day when the holidays were so easy. Let’s start at kids. All
we had to do was try to get some sleep on Christmas Eve and run downstairs
Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought us. Then we would have a nice
holiday breakfast, open presents from family, and hang out all day until dinner
that night. What I didn’t know as a child was how much it really takes to
properly partake in the holidays. What all my parents, especially my mom had to
do for the holiday season: the money spent, the time spent, the planning done,
etc., is quite a feat.
Fast forward a few years where I still didn’t have a care in the world about
the holiday season and was still living like a child, even though I was 20
something years old at the time. Next, we have my first couple of years sober,
where I had gotten my conscience back and actually wanted to start truly
participating, buying presents, sending cards, making baked goods, trying to
spread some holiday cheer.
Today, however, is truly a whole other ball game. 5 plus years sober,
married and 4 + families under my belt, my stress level is through the roof.
Among my every day, ever so busy life, I also get to prepare for this holiday
season. Starting with Thanksgiving, its almost like we have to clone ourselves
to get to everywhere we need to go that day. I guess we need to figure out how
to do that and fast. Then I think about the presents to buy, the food to make,
the cards to send, the calls to make, the presents to wrap, and let’s not even
mention thinking about Christmas plans. We are talking about time and money
that we don’t have. I guess I finally know what it feels like to be an adult,
and it only took me about 30 years to get here.
Why are we so stressed? What are Thanksgiving and Christmas really about? I
guess we are stressed because of how much pressure the holidays put on us.
There is a certain protocol and stigma centered around this time of year,
everything that we are expected to do. But what if we took the holiday season
and turned it back into what it was meant to be, a time of blessing,
thankfulness, happiness, and joy. I thought about this especially recently,
when I went to lunch with my mom a couple of weeks ago. I was flooded by a
sense of peace and happiness, just to have the opportunity to be having lunch
with my mom. There used to be a time in my life, where I couldn’t do that, or
be any kind of usefulness to anyone, for that matter. I thought about how much
I love my mom and my family and how blessed I am to not only have one family,
but 4 +, on top of my very own, favorite family consisting of two crazy dogs
and one amazing husband.
How could I be so ungrateful and let that stress get the better of me?
That’s when as a sober individual, we get to live in each moment and enjoy
every minute we have with our families. Today I have the choice to cherish
these precious moments, take in the love, put a smile on my face, and remember
just how good God really is. So, this holiday season, I will take with gratitude,
grace, and nothing but love. Or at least, that is the goal. I also didn’t say I
was perfect, but thank God it’s all about progress, but perfection. Thank God
for that, and thank God for this beautiful life.
Through the years in sobriety I have changed direction a time or two with the service work I participate in. I started at one homegroup, young in sobriety I greeted, led the newcomers meetings, chaired meetings, led discussions, then became a co-chair of the Newcomers Committee. It got to a point where I felt like I needed a spiritual boost, my growth had been stunted, and I needed to do something different. Don’t get me wrong, it is an amazing homegroup and was the perfect place for a new woman in sobriety.
But when you have that gut feeling, you probably need to make a change. I moved to a different homegroup and continued serving, because that is what we are supposed to do, after all. I was sponsoring other women, chairing meetings, was the Chair Person and Secretary for our business meetings, led discussions, and spoke wherever I was asked. I still do these things today. This again, was another change that I needed at the time.
But then I needed something more. Us alcoholics, always need MORE. So I went a little further and started bringing meetings into the women’s jail and the detox facility and suddenly felt fulfilled. These volunteer jobs have been the most amazing experiences that I have been able to participate in. I think perhaps, I have finally found my calling, my passion. Isn’t that what we look for our entire lives? Something that we get to be involved in on a regular basis, AND it can actually be something that we love and are passionate about. That is truly something special.
Why am I writing about this tonight? Well, because I just came from bringing a meeting into a detox facility. Tonight was particularly meaningful because I got to do this for the first time as a leader of the meeting, and 2 newly sober women came with me. One, who I met that night, about 3 months sober, and the other, my newest sponsee, a few days sober. I love being able to experience bringing meetings into places like that, but I especially doing it with newly sober women who have never experienced that before. To see the light come on in people’s eyes, to be part of a first experience like that, is truly a magical thing. I can appreciate where I came from and I pray the women who were with me tonight, could have that same appreciation. It can be an easy thing to forget, even when we are just a few days sober. I have learned that with these activities, not only do I get to try to help others, but it also keeps it green for me. It gives me a reminder of where I used to be and where I most certainly don’t want to go back to, just for today.
I find this particularly moving, because all I can think about is where I was a little over 5 years ago, in that exact same spot. Never did I think that I would be helping people in this way. When I was out there drinking, I wouldn’t help anyone. I was selfish and self centered and it didn’t even cross my mind that other people needed help. I was the only one that mattered. That’s what drinking will do to you. It hides our innermost self. I thank God I get to be the true person that God wants me to be today. Is it work to be selfless, God centered, looking for the next person to help, and constantly taking action to enlarge my spiritual life? Of course it is. But I can without a doubt say how worth it, it truly is. It’s the best “high” I have ever had. A high that drugs and alcohol couldn’t even touch.
