Faith without works is dead. If I had a penny for every time I heard this phrase over the last 5 years, I might actually have a whole dollar. We see this phrase in our book, we hear it in meetings, but what does it actually mean?
I remember when I was newly sober, my sponsor and I had gotten to the 3rd step in our program and we hit a stand still. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to do the work, but the God concept seemed just so foreign to me. I am the type of person who has to be able to understand it and figure it out, and because you can’t really do that with God, I hit a road block. I had doubts and there was something holding me back from getting rid of these doubts. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things in your life that you have worked so hard to hold on to, even if its killing you to keep holding on to them? Let go or be dragged, my sponsor would always say.
Yes, I had grown up in church, my family and I went every Sunday. I attended a children’s Bible Study, participated in Vacation Bible School, had my own confirmation, and of course was baptized as a baby. As the years progressed, I found it harder and harder to participate in church. I tried to fit in and attend youth groups and church on Sunday, but something always just didn’t feel right. As I got even older and started drinking, soon, that was my number one priority and church really didn’t fit anymore. If I was in church, I was either hungover or still drunk from the night before. I also remember that as the years progressed, while my parents always seemed to be so active in church, soon enough the activity became less and less. My mom was the one that wanted to be active and she was on her own time, but my dad didn’t seem like he wanted much to do with it. He didn’t go to Bible study anymore, we didn’t hang out with church friends anymore, and although he still went to church on Sundays, it wasn’t necessarily a pleasant affair.
I had been attending a church with my mom in our hometown when I went away to college and I would go to that church with her if I was home on the weekends, although the way I was living my life, most certainly blocked me from any hope and love that church was trying to provide. I became familiar with the associate pastor at that church, he worked more with the youth and young adults, and when I did finally get sober, he absolutely became a gift from God. I remember when I went away to treatment and to live in the halfway house, he would send letters and emails telling me how much God loved me and how proud he was of me for making a change. I remember when he wrote a reference letter for me when I went to court. I remember when the judge read that letter, with all the others that had been written on my behalf and ended up taking a recess in the middle of court, just to try to figure out how to give me the shortest possible sentence. (I have to include, I found out later, that she actually knew and trusted my pastor, which may have been what touched her so deeply in trying to do something different for me.) I remember when my pastor would come visit me every single week when I was in jail and continued to keep in touch with me when I got transferred to Black Mountain. I remember when he was at my mom’s house the day I got out of Black Mountain to show his support and love. I remember keeping in contact with him over the years and seeing him every time I was in my hometown. I remember asking him to preside over our wedding. I remember meeting with him and my husband, and the support and love he so freely gave. I also remember the most powerful and heartfelt words that he spoke on our wedding, words that will never be forgotten.
The reason I tell this story is because its one of the biggest things that come to my mind when I think about faith. I remember when I got stuck on that step, my sponsor finally asked the question that changed my life: “shouldn’t I be more afraid to NOT believe, than to believe.” That was it. It clicked. I was afraid. Afraid of giving my life over to a stranger (God) and I had no idea what He was going to do with it. I was afraid that maybe the whole God thing wasn’t even real. But then I experience things like this story, and how can I not believe?
I heard recently that faith is not necessarily a lack of fear, but having just a little more faith than fear. Thank God for that, because I think there will always be some fear there. We are human after all. But what I can believe today, because I have experienced it time and time again, is if we open our eyes and let God do the work, absolutely amazing things can happen. If we can let go of what we think we need to control in our life, then miracles beyond our wildest dreams can happen. I was terrified to get sober, and 5 years later, I have the most beautiful life that I could have ever imagined, only because I actually got sober. I was terrified of getting into a relationship again, but instead of fear completely taking over, I took a little step of faith and let God do His work. And here we are, 3 years later, married and happier than I could ever image. I was terrified to buy my own home, but here we are a year later, living in OUR very own home, only because I gave a little bit of faith to some very amazing people who walked my husband and I down that path.
What I also have to remember is that it takes a little struggle and a little action to have the faith thing happen. We actually have to do something, and that something is probably different than what we have ever done before. And yes, there are days that I still have doubts. Like, the days when everything seems to go wrong: the car dies, its a stressful at work, a pipe bursts in the house, the hot water goes out, I burn dinner, I stub my toe, our dogs run away (don’t worry, we got them back), I have yet another medical bill in the mail, I have 25 things on my to do list, I break a candle holder, I lose that really important paper that I needed (and my mind), and I’m thinking to myself, seriously God, where were You in all this? That’s when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I get to remember all the times that I absolutely knew God was there, and how with everything in my life He has always been by my side. What I have realized is that a lot of the time, I was holding on to that fear or the way I thought it was supposed to be, so tightly, that there was no way for God to squeeze through for me to see Him. He was still there, but I didn’t give Him enough room. How rude of me! That IS God after all.
So, take the time today to remember your blessings, thank God, give yourself a hug, help someone else, and take a leap. And don’t forget that just a little bit of faith can bring amazing miracles.
When I was staying in the halfway house during my first year of sobriety, I remember someone coming up with the phrase, “God Winks”, in other words, signs from God. I remember liking the idea of them being winks, like God was smiling at me and giving me little subtle hints of His works. What I have found over the years is that these God winks can come in all different shapes and sizes, some that are so big that you truly feel the power of God, and some that are so small that if you don’t keep your eyes open, you might miss them. They can come in the form of life events, feelings, and of course, other beautiful human beings.
The first time I felt the true power of God, I was riding in the back of a police van, coming from jail and riding to the prison in Raleigh. I think the only way to properly explain this story, is to start from the beginning. I had been in jail for almost 2 months out of my 5 month sentence. I was almost a year sober at the time. The PLAN, or so I thought, was that I would finish the 2 months in jail, and then be moved to Black Mountain (a DOC Women’s Treatment Facility) for my remaining 3 months. Why did I think this was the plan? Well maybe because the judge, my lawyer, and probation officer all seemed to be on board with this same plan. I remember the day they called me out of my cell to tell me it was time to go away. I thought, okay, I guess I’m going to Black Mountain early, although, I had a feeling that something just wasn’t quite right.
Being the controlling, perfectionist that I am, of course I proceeded to ask the jail officers where I was going and they proceeded to tell me: to a 13 month sentence at the Raleigh prison. Wait, WHAT? THIS WASN’T THE PLAN!!! I didn’t understand what was going on and I knew it wasn’t right, but when you are in jail and being led around in handcuffs, you don’t really have any other options but to do as you are told and agree with what they are saying. I got in the back of that van, scared to death, trying to think of how I was going to figure this one out, and we started our journey to Raleigh. But what ended up happening in that van, was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I felt the true presence of God. I felt a wave of peace, calm and serenity, a feeling that I had NEVER experienced before in my life and in that moment I was happy. Happy that I was going to real deal prison? Hell no. But I WAS happy because I knew without a doubt that God had my back and I WOULD be able to get through this.
Feeling of God: check. What happened next, was truly another huge wink from God. We were probably no more than 10 minutes away from Raleigh and the driver of the van got a phone call. All at once, she took the first exit and changed directions, going back where we came from. She stated that the call she got was from someone from jail, a guardian angel of sorts, and that they had made a mistake with me. I was not supposed to go to Raleigh, but instead Black Mountain, so she was taking me back to jail where I would wait for my ride to Black Mountain. Was this real? Did this really just happen? Was this a coincidence or was it God?
People of God: next check. What I later found out, was the back story behind everything that happened with me that day. My mom had called the jail for some reason or another, and found out that I was being shipped to Raleigh. From there, she called my lawyer, who immediately called my probation officer and the judge who presided over my case. The next thing we know (or I should say that my mom knows) is that all 3 of them are huddled in the judge’s chambers to figure out how to get me back and get me to where I really needed to go. By some miracle, they made it in the nick of time with 10 minutes to spare. The judge was actually the guardian angel who called the jail and told them to stop that van and bring it back. That chain of events, still baffles me to this day and every time I think about it, sends chills up and down my spine: God winks to the highest degree.
I have to keep this experience close to my heart, because I don’t know if I have ever quite felt that kind of God presence again in my life. Yes, of course I have had moments of peace and clarity, nudges in this direction or that direction. I have had signs from God that came through other people, and I have had feelings, such as at my wedding, that I did in fact feel the presence of God through my husband and everyone else there to love and support us. I am learning to hold on to every single one of these God winks and to keep my eyes open for more to come.
As I was thinking about what to write for today, thousands of thoughts seemed to swarm in my head, and I have determined that it feels like there just isn’t enough time in the world to express it all. But, as any good perfectionist, alcoholic would say, I will do it anyways. So here we go on to our next blog post.
I had a conversation with someone today about living in the moment and today, this phrase seemed to catch me off guard. I remember when I was newly sober, thinking life was so horrible, and just waiting for it to be tomorrow, next month, next year, 5 years from now. I guess I thought that I wasn’t really living yet. The FIREWORKS hadn’t started yet. I had rules and regulations, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do, and I was just doing the same things, day in and day out. I couldn’t wait for it to be in the future, to be through with everything that I had to get through, to get a boyfriend, to get my own place, to get a good job, to get my license back, so on and so forth. The life that I was living at the time, just didn’t seem to be good enough.
Well, today, I can honestly say that I am currently residing in that woman’s future, and STILL its not good enough. I own a home, my very first home, and I look around thinking, I want bigger bathrooms and closets, new floors, fresh paint, a new kitchen, a garage, a pool, new furniture, the list could go on and on. I think about the health issues that I am having and want to be in the future, where I have no health issues, we are more financially stable, and can truly think about having a child. I think about the job that I have and how I wish I could already be in the future, where I can make just a little more money so I that I can actually survive.
I guess the point that I am trying to make is, that for humans, and especially for alcoholics, such as myself, that nothing ever seems to be good enough. We want to hurry to the future where things can be “bigger and better”, so we think. But here’s the thing. When did we stop living in the present? Isn’t that what life is about, living in the moment and taking every moment in to the absolute fullest? I look back on my early sober years and I think about how much I must have missed, by being so focused on the future, thinking things should be grander than it was in the present moment. Maybe I missed some important conversations or some signs from God. Maybe I missed a good laugh, a hug, or a smile. Maybe I missed being able to just BE.
Just for today, I will choose to live in today. I will choose to be grateful. Because here’s the truth of it, I have SO much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends, a loving and wonderful husband, the sweetest fur babies, a supportive and loving family, a job, a roof over my head, enough money to pay the bills, and a couple of cars that my husband gets to drive me around in. Instead of rushing through life just to get to the other side, I will take the time to hug my husband and give him a kiss after a long days work, I will take the time to cuddle with my dogs, I will take the time to text a friend, I will take the time to talk to God, and I will take the time to tell someone I love them. I want to be present for this journey called life and I don’t want to miss a thing. And guess what? This beautiful life that I have been given, that WE have been given, is none other than a gift from God. That, I believe, IS GOOD ENOUGH.
So how do we stay sane in the everyday grind? And what does sanity even mean? My program teaches me that God can and will restore our sanity, but on some days, I think God definitely has His hands full. When I first got sober, it was all about how to stay away from a drink one day at a time. As I look back, I think that might have been the easiest part about it for me. Don’t get me wrong, wanting to drink every second of every day for the first 6 months was not pleasant, but my life wasn’t all that difficult then either. Granted, it was hard, along with having to deal with my upcoming incarceration, but despite those things, I really had it pretty good. I didn’t have to worry about paying bills, taking care of a family, being a productive member of society, or being a responsible adult. I just had to keep my head above water, and do what everyone else told me to do: clean your room, say a prayer, call your sponsor, go to work, go to a meeting, work the steps.
Now, 5 years later, I have bills to pay, a family consisting of a husband and two crazy dogs to be committed to, a house (that I actually own) to take care of, a job to go to, volunteer commitments to attend, family commitments (and with now 4 families, that is a lot) to keep track of, planning for the future, taking the dogs to the vet, taking myself to the doctor and attempting to take care of my health issues, laundry, dishes, cleaning, making meals, and having too many calendars and to do lists for me to even keep track of, sometimes it feels like I just can’t keep up with it all. It may sound like I’m complaining, and yes I am a little (apparently that is in my nature) but I am also very grateful.
At times, I think back on early sobriety and even comment with my husband, that life just seemed so easy then! I reminisce at times, but I know that I can’t back and I know that I don’t actually want to go back. Life is about change and growth. If we are moving backward, then we aren’t moving forward, and that can even be worse than just standing still.
This weekend for example, we have been taking care of our friend’s dog. Great dog, great friends, but oh my gosh, its been a fun weekend to say the least. Taking care of 3 dogs is no joke, especially when all they want to do ALL THE TIME, is play, play, and play some more. This also includes at all hours of the night, which means that my husband and I have gotten no sleep what so ever. We were thinking about getting another dog, or even having a child in the future, but now we might be rethinking those grand ideas. All kidding aside, I’m sure one day we will have another dog or even a few kids running around (of course if God sees fit), but I can promise you this, I am exhausted and extremely irritable. Rightfully so I suppose, but at the same time, Laura, haven’t you forgotten about your blessings? Don’t you remember where you used to be, drinking alone, by yourself, miserable and no good to anyone? And now, you actually have friends that trust you and know they can count on you to take care of their dog. Just look at you now! Doing big things and stuff.
Moral of the story, know that God has got this and He has you every single step of the way. Don’t forget about your blessings, because if you are alive and breathing, trust me, you have some. I have taken on blogging, which seems to help to relieve some stress. Practice yoga, go to the gym, do some devotionals, talk to God, call someone. Just don’t forget about you. Take some time for you. The crazier life gets, we tend to put ourselves on the back burner, thinking we are superwoman and despite it all, can and will get it done. Maybe we can, but what we will also get is resentful, miserable, annoyed, and negative, if we don’t take some action to grow our spiritual condition through it all. Trust me, this has saved me a time or too. As stressful as life gets, as down as we get, just remember that it can always be worse. If I choose to take a drink again, I know for a fact, that it will most certainly be worse. Just for today, I choose to live this beautiful life that God has blessed me with.
