Something that I have been thinking about lately, are things that I am passionate about: my likes and dislikes, views and beliefs. Thinking back, I was always the person that did not have my own likes and dislikes, my own voice, my own mannerisms, my OWN anything…I always copied what others were doing around me. I picked up their habits, likes, dislikes, the way they talked, the way they walked, their gestures, you name it. I was their very own mini me. I moved from group to group growing up and didn’t seem to stay with the same group of “friends” for more than a couple of years. Each time I changed groups, I became a different person, or I became the person that I thought you wanted me to be. I agreed with everything and I acted just like you. I didn’t realize that I never knew myself, the things I liked, the things I didn’t like, or my hobbies, beliefs and views, from something as simple as my favorite color, to something bigger like a political party.
When I first got sober was probably the first time I truly realized I did this, copied other people because I didn’t know my own true identity, and I spent the first couple of years in sobriety, feeling like a shell of a person. I felt the same way as I did before, like I had no idea who I was, but I just stayed that way, instead of trying to turn into other people, because I at least knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. Finally and at last around 2 and a half years sober, I woke up one day and realized that I actually had likes, dislikes, beliefs, views, and a personality that was my own and one that I actually liked. That was a good feeling.
Then as the years have progressed, I have become more and more ME. Some parts I like, others I don’t and continue to try to work on. When it comes down to it, I do really like my personality. I can be funny, real, and sensitive. I don’t turn into the people around me…I am me and I am good with that today. I can also be controlling, bossy, opinionated, and highly organized…all things that I try to work on. I know the things I like and the things I don’t like. For example, I like Christmas music, Christmas lights, walking my dogs, being in nature, the colors teal and gray, funny TV shows, trucks, glasses, comfy boots, and warm cardigans, having time to myself, getting massages, going on vacation, going out for a really nice dinner with my husband, drinking coffee, sitting by a fire, hanging out with friends & family, etc.
I also have passions and beliefs. I feel very strongly against animal abuse and hunting. For example, my husband and I put deer corn in our back yard and bird seed in our feeders, just so that God’s creatures have somewhere safe to eat and we are able to watch them with awe and wonder. I can’t stand seeing animals on the side of the road that didn’t make it, in a shelter, or in a family that doesn’t want them, and if we could, we would rescue every animal in the world. If I could go without eating meat, I would, just because I don’t agree with how most livestock are raised and treated.
I also don’t agree with how a lot of people in our world today behave. I don’t agree with the fighting, the riots, breaking the law out of hate, political manipulation tactics, and most of what is on the media these days. I do not tolerate the fakeness on social media and the cries for attention. I believe that more people should hear and learn about the disease of addiction AND I feel like everyone should be required to work a program, whether they are an alcoholic or not. I think the world might be a better place because of it. I also believe that being a part of the middle class has its disadvantages because my view is that we are part of a broken system.
Now, of course, I am sure that some people might not agree with my views, but they are MINE and I have a right to have them, just like you have the right to have yours. And hey, at least I have them today.
Ever heard this one before? If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say this, I’d be rich. The first time I heard this phrase I was in treatment for the 3rd time. We filled out an inventory every night and one of the things I always circled to work on was “trust the process”. It sounded good, but it seemed to be easier said than done.
When I got sober, trusting the process was extremely hard at first. I had to find God, which was even more difficult for a person like me since I wasn’t really sure exactly what I believed in to begin with. I also had to not regret my past, and believe that everything happens for a reason, past, present and future. To get to this place, I did the things my program teaches me: work with a sponsor, go through the steps, go to meetings, pray, ask for help. Little by little, my eyes were opened and I started having experiences that made me think, maybe life does work out just the way it’s supposed.
But then something happens, where I don’t feel that way anymore. In the beginning it was being unhappy at my job, getting frustrated that I wasn’t in a relationship, thinking if this is it, why even stay sober. I point this out to say this, that when I started having these feelings, I did exactly what the program teaches me to do. I reached out, told on how I was feeling, and put forth more action into working on my program. What that looked like for me was service work, sponsoring other woman, continuing to work with my sponsor, attending meetings, and praying A LOT. Then first thing you know, I am feeling and thinking a little differently, like hey, maybe life really IS working out the way it’s supposed to. TRUST the PROCESS.
Then life starts getting really good and we all know what happens next. We forget where we came from, we forget about the program, we think “we got this”, and we forget to trust the process. I have seen it time and time again, where people walk away from the program for one reason or another. There are those that are going to one meeting a month and don’t participate in any kind of service work, there are those that think church is the way to go and devote every second into Bible studies, church activities, and church service work, but can’t seem to remember the last time they stepped foot into a meeting. Then there are those who do nothing at all. What I do know, is that eventually if these people choose not to come back to the rooms, they will drink again. That IS the process.
And hey, I’m one of these people. Thankfully, I didn’t have to take a drink over it, but there was a time where I did get away from the rooms and this program and I started thinking I was normal. For me, that is a dangerous place to be. Because at that point, whether I’m doing nothing, or if I am only doing something else, like church, I have stopped trusting the process. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against church. I go to church. But the key is that I do that to enhance my spiritual life, while I am still strongly participating in the program, with service work, sponsoring other women, and attending meetings. The reason I do this is because this is the only place I am reminded of who I am. This is the only place that I find true relief, peace, hope, and joy. This is where I learn to trust the process.
So, guess what? I’m still working on trusting the process today. I have to be real. Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish things would go my way. Sometimes I get frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and angry. But I can turn to my program and I remember that I’m not in this alone. I remember I have a God, and many people loving, supporting, and guiding me. I remember that I can be of service today. And I can think back on all the times that I knew without a doubt, that everything happened for a reason. I see the events in my past happening the way they did, thinking the world was over at the time, then, watching them turn into something even more beautiful today. But just because I have a few 24 hours under my belt, doesn’t mean I won’t forget. So, I keep coming back, to hear what I need to hear, and be of service where I can. This is how I trust the process.
So, speaking of the truth, where is it these days? How do we find it? I can tell you exactly where you can’t find it is anywhere on social media. If that is what you are looking for, maybe try a face to face conversation and you might have more luck.
Something that I always say when I am getting ready to speak in a meeting is that I am going to share from the heart, to speak my truth and show my realness and that is what I choose to do in my life as a whole. Granted, I’m not going to be complaining to everyone about my life issues or annoyances, just like I wouldn’t shout in the middle of Wal-Mart, my gratitudes and everything I am thankful for, but I do believe when you are sitting down with your family, close friends, and especially sponsees and others you are wanting to be able to help, you KEEP IT REAL.
How did our society turn into this? Where everything is online and what we show online is nothing short of perfection. Do we feel like we have to post something every day? And how do we feel when enough people aren’t commenting and liking our photos and posts? Did we tell ourselves that we are posting to let friends know where we are at in life, but instead feel like we have something to prove? Do we want to show off all the cool things that are happening in our lives to make others feel envious? Do we feel like we have to be better than the next person, that the grass is greener on OUR side?
These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for awhile now, because honestly, I used to be one of these people in a way. I felt like I was important when I got to show off my “oh so wonderful life”. I felt a rush when I would look to see how many people liked the post, then check it an hour later to see how many MORE people liked the post. Because of my thought processes lately, I have chosen not to post like I used to on social media, not to keep checking it every 5 minutes to see what people are saying about it. Because here is the TRUTH of it, NOONE’S life is that perfect. It’s just not possible. Life happens, so let’s start being real about it.
One of the reasons I have been thinking about this lately, is because my husband and I just recently watched the Netflix documentary about the Watts family, saddest thing in the world. My point with this is seeing if you paid attention to the differences in the social media posts verses the texts in this show. The fake verses the realness. You will NEVER know what is truly going on in person’s life if you are just watching their social media accounts.
My question is, how can you respect, look up to, and idolize, anyone who behaves in that manner? Something that I have been taught from the very beginning of my recovery is that we find the “winners” and those are the ones we stick with. Today, I think I have a much better understanding of that. The “winners” doesn’t mean their life is perfect, or they make you believe their life is perfect, it’s the ones who stay real and aren’t afraid to tell you what is really going on in their lives. Isn’t that where the venerability comes from? Putting it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. The way I look at it, is that’s what I want to share with those who are just getting started on this sober life journey and really anyone else. If I was to tell them that it’s all up from here, they would be sorely mistaken, and if they happened to glance at other sober people’s social media, then most likely they will think they are doing something wrong, especially when they have a bad day, because trust me those days will come.
I’m not saying that everything on social media is a lie, and that life isn’t wonderful and we don’t have amazing, magical things happen to us, but is flaunting it on Facebook what it’s all about? Or is there more to life than that? What if we talked about God on social media? What if we talked about our struggles? What if we talked about our blessings and offered for everyone to join in to include their blessings? What if we talked about what we stand for and what are passions are? Not in a condemning and argumentative way, just saying, hey this is how I feel and if someone feels differently then that’s cool too. What if we helped people on social media instead of hurting them, even if we THINK we aren’t hurting anyone? Maybe instead of posting all over social media, we should spend time with our family, take pictures, and put them in a scrapbook for us as a family to look at. Maybe we should start a book study and invite friends over to discuss it. Maybe we should reach out to others and ask how their day is? Maybe we should stop and smell the roses. Maybe we should get a dose of humility.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do any of this perfectly, but the more I grow in my recovery, the more awareness I receive, not only about myself, but the people I choose to surround myself with, and the actions I decide to partake in. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want people to look at my social media account and think, “wow, she must have a perfect life”. I want them to see the real me and my real life experiences and think if she can do it, then maybe I can do it too.
Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to
show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have
been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory
lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness
(even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect
on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now
that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles
that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own,
the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond
ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the
restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I
have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was
physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have
the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for
me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the
present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my
couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I
was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I
think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed,
and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never
been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been
constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and
down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten
better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy
and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself.
I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am
rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband
where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes,
dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I
have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give
kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so
freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down
and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single
day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”,
but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up
and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than
when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it
be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only
based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green
and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my
life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world.
Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and
not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine
through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then
maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and
listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day.
If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults
and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses
and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss
my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
Hello everyone and happy Friday! Thank goodness its Friday, right? I remember, back in the day I couldn’t wait for Friday, because it gave me even more of an excuse to drink the way I wanted to. Tonight, a few years later, I have a different kind of Friday.
Usually I am so exhausted from go, go, going during the week, that I completely crash on Fridays, and am pretty much good for nothing. It kind of turns into my regroup evening, and hey, I think I deserve a day like that ever once in a while. Today after work, my husband and I came home to be greeted by our very large, in charge, and couldn’t be happier to see us, two dogs. They are a mess, but it is definitely a good feeling to come home to. We said our hellos with kisses, hugs and play time. Then my husband started to grill. Thank goodness, because I am definitely not what one would call a grill master. My husband, on the other hand, definitely is and actually enjoys it, so, hats off to him. Keep doing your thing, babe because you rock at it! We made the rest of dinner and I went around the house straightening and rearranging probably about half of the house, because for some reason I feel like I always need to be doing 25 things at once. We had a cozy dinner with place settings, conversations, and laughs.
As my husband went to a meeting tonight (yes he is one of us too!), I stayed home to clean the kitchen and do a little writing. The kind of writing I am talking about tonight is in the form of a letter. A very special letter to a very special person. This person is where I was, not too long ago, on the “inside” and cleaning up the wreckage of her past. I couldn’t be more proud. I knew this particular woman from a few years ago. She was living at the same treatment center that I had attended and was doing the deal. She is such a beautiful soul and we became fairly close. Then, as so many of us do, she lost her way, but by God’s grace was able to find the path again even in a place such as where she is now.
I remember when I was incarcerated, sometimes the only form of hope, love, and support, came in the form of letters. I remember the first day that I received a letter, I’m sure that I couldn’t stop crying. I had such an amazing support system, and I can honestly say, I received at least one letter every single day I was on “the inside”. I don’t think I can properly explain just how profound and wonderful that was. God winks all over the place. Thank God for the friends and family who took the time out of their busy days, just to write me a letter. No matter how long or how short, they all meant the absolute world to me. They were those little rays of hope and light, that kept shining for me in the darkness that was in my surroundings. I couldn’t thank God enough for those people and those letters.
So now, it gets to be my turn and I couldn’t be more grateful. I got to write one of those letters, but this time on the other side. I had the opportunity to be able to give just a little hope, strength, love and light, to someone who I can relate to and someone who I know what its like to be where she is right now. One of the promises that is given to us when we find this new way of life, is that we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. There was a time when I wished none of my past existed, but what I know now, is I went through everything that I went to because that was how it was supposed to be. I believe it is now my purpose to help others in need by giving back and telling my story, my whole story, hoping that someone out there can relate. My purpose is to give my experience, strength and hope as it was so freely given to me. My past was not the easiest, in active alcoholism, early sobriety, or even a few years down the road, but that’s what makes me who I am. I use all of it to share with someone else. I thank God everyday for giving me a purpose, a purpose to shine just a little bit of light in the sickness, misery, and darkness. Just a little bit of light to show that recovery IS possible, and no matter what we go through, there will always be a way to get to the other side.
