Just a Little Bit of Faith
Faith without works is dead. If I had a penny for every time I heard this phrase over the last 5 years, I might actually have a whole dollar. We see this phrase in our book, we hear it in meetings, but what does it actually mean?
I remember when I was newly sober, my sponsor and I had gotten to the 3rd step in our program and we hit a stand still. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to do the work, but the God concept seemed just so foreign to me. I am the type of person who has to be able to understand it and figure it out, and because you can’t really do that with God, I hit a road block. I had doubts and there was something holding me back from getting rid of these doubts. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things in your life that you have worked so hard to hold on to, even if its killing you to keep holding on to them? Let go or be dragged, my sponsor would always say.
Yes, I had grown up in church, my family and I went every Sunday. I attended a children’s Bible Study, participated in Vacation Bible School, had my own confirmation, and of course was baptized as a baby. As the years progressed, I found it harder and harder to participate in church. I tried to fit in and attend youth groups and church on Sunday, but something always just didn’t feel right. As I got even older and started drinking, soon, that was my number one priority and church really didn’t fit anymore. If I was in church, I was either hungover or still drunk from the night before. I also remember that as the years progressed, while my parents always seemed to be so active in church, soon enough the activity became less and less. My mom was the one that wanted to be active and she was on her own time, but my dad didn’t seem like he wanted much to do with it. He didn’t go to Bible study anymore, we didn’t hang out with church friends anymore, and although he still went to church on Sundays, it wasn’t necessarily a pleasant affair.
I had been attending a church with my mom in our hometown when I went away to college and I would go to that church with her if I was home on the weekends, although the way I was living my life, most certainly blocked me from any hope and love that church was trying to provide. I became familiar with the associate pastor at that church, he worked more with the youth and young adults, and when I did finally get sober, he absolutely became a gift from God. I remember when I went away to treatment and to live in the halfway house, he would send letters and emails telling me how much God loved me and how proud he was of me for making a change. I remember when he wrote a reference letter for me when I went to court. I remember when the judge read that letter, with all the others that had been written on my behalf and ended up taking a recess in the middle of court, just to try to figure out how to give me the shortest possible sentence. (I have to include, I found out later, that she actually knew and trusted my pastor, which may have been what touched her so deeply in trying to do something different for me.) I remember when my pastor would come visit me every single week when I was in jail and continued to keep in touch with me when I got transferred to Black Mountain. I remember when he was at my mom’s house the day I got out of Black Mountain to show his support and love. I remember keeping in contact with him over the years and seeing him every time I was in my hometown. I remember asking him to preside over our wedding. I remember meeting with him and my husband, and the support and love he so freely gave. I also remember the most powerful and heartfelt words that he spoke on our wedding, words that will never be forgotten.
The reason I tell this story is because its one of the biggest things that come to my mind when I think about faith. I remember when I got stuck on that step, my sponsor finally asked the question that changed my life: “shouldn’t I be more afraid to NOT believe, than to believe.” That was it. It clicked. I was afraid. Afraid of giving my life over to a stranger (God) and I had no idea what He was going to do with it. I was afraid that maybe the whole God thing wasn’t even real. But then I experience things like this story, and how can I not believe?
I heard recently that faith is not necessarily a lack of fear, but having just a little more faith than fear. Thank God for that, because I think there will always be some fear there. We are human after all. But what I can believe today, because I have experienced it time and time again, is if we open our eyes and let God do the work, absolutely amazing things can happen. If we can let go of what we think we need to control in our life, then miracles beyond our wildest dreams can happen. I was terrified to get sober, and 5 years later, I have the most beautiful life that I could have ever imagined, only because I actually got sober. I was terrified of getting into a relationship again, but instead of fear completely taking over, I took a little step of faith and let God do His work. And here we are, 3 years later, married and happier than I could ever image. I was terrified to buy my own home, but here we are a year later, living in OUR very own home, only because I gave a little bit of faith to some very amazing people who walked my husband and I down that path.
What I also have to remember is that it takes a little struggle and a little action to have the faith thing happen. We actually have to do something, and that something is probably different than what we have ever done before. And yes, there are days that I still have doubts. Like, the days when everything seems to go wrong: the car dies, its a stressful at work, a pipe bursts in the house, the hot water goes out, I burn dinner, I stub my toe, our dogs run away (don’t worry, we got them back), I have yet another medical bill in the mail, I have 25 things on my to do list, I break a candle holder, I lose that really important paper that I needed (and my mind), and I’m thinking to myself, seriously God, where were You in all this? That’s when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I get to remember all the times that I absolutely knew God was there, and how with everything in my life He has always been by my side. What I have realized is that a lot of the time, I was holding on to that fear or the way I thought it was supposed to be, so tightly, that there was no way for God to squeeze through for me to see Him. He was still there, but I didn’t give Him enough room. How rude of me! That IS God after all.
So, take the time today to remember your blessings, thank God, give yourself a hug, help someone else, and take a leap. And don’t forget that just a little bit of faith can bring amazing miracles.
