Something that I have been thinking about lately, are things that I am passionate about: my likes and dislikes, views and beliefs. Thinking back, I was always the person that did not have my own likes and dislikes, my own voice, my own mannerisms, my OWN anything…I always copied what others were doing around me. I picked up their habits, likes, dislikes, the way they talked, the way they walked, their gestures, you name it. I was their very own mini me. I moved from group to group growing up and didn’t seem to stay with the same group of “friends” for more than a couple of years. Each time I changed groups, I became a different person, or I became the person that I thought you wanted me to be. I agreed with everything and I acted just like you. I didn’t realize that I never knew myself, the things I liked, the things I didn’t like, or my hobbies, beliefs and views, from something as simple as my favorite color, to something bigger like a political party.
When I first got sober was probably the first time I truly realized I did this, copied other people because I didn’t know my own true identity, and I spent the first couple of years in sobriety, feeling like a shell of a person. I felt the same way as I did before, like I had no idea who I was, but I just stayed that way, instead of trying to turn into other people, because I at least knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. Finally and at last around 2 and a half years sober, I woke up one day and realized that I actually had likes, dislikes, beliefs, views, and a personality that was my own and one that I actually liked. That was a good feeling.
Then as the years have progressed, I have become more and more ME. Some parts I like, others I don’t and continue to try to work on. When it comes down to it, I do really like my personality. I can be funny, real, and sensitive. I don’t turn into the people around me…I am me and I am good with that today. I can also be controlling, bossy, opinionated, and highly organized…all things that I try to work on. I know the things I like and the things I don’t like. For example, I like Christmas music, Christmas lights, walking my dogs, being in nature, the colors teal and gray, funny TV shows, trucks, glasses, comfy boots, and warm cardigans, having time to myself, getting massages, going on vacation, going out for a really nice dinner with my husband, drinking coffee, sitting by a fire, hanging out with friends & family, etc.
I also have passions and beliefs. I feel very strongly against animal abuse and hunting. For example, my husband and I put deer corn in our back yard and bird seed in our feeders, just so that God’s creatures have somewhere safe to eat and we are able to watch them with awe and wonder. I can’t stand seeing animals on the side of the road that didn’t make it, in a shelter, or in a family that doesn’t want them, and if we could, we would rescue every animal in the world. If I could go without eating meat, I would, just because I don’t agree with how most livestock are raised and treated.
I also don’t agree with how a lot of people in our world today behave. I don’t agree with the fighting, the riots, breaking the law out of hate, political manipulation tactics, and most of what is on the media these days. I do not tolerate the fakeness on social media and the cries for attention. I believe that more people should hear and learn about the disease of addiction AND I feel like everyone should be required to work a program, whether they are an alcoholic or not. I think the world might be a better place because of it. I also believe that being a part of the middle class has its disadvantages because my view is that we are part of a broken system.
Now, of course, I am sure that some people might not agree with my views, but they are MINE and I have a right to have them, just like you have the right to have yours. And hey, at least I have them today.
Ever heard this one before? If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say this, I’d be rich. The first time I heard this phrase I was in treatment for the 3rd time. We filled out an inventory every night and one of the things I always circled to work on was “trust the process”. It sounded good, but it seemed to be easier said than done.
When I got sober, trusting the process was extremely hard at first. I had to find God, which was even more difficult for a person like me since I wasn’t really sure exactly what I believed in to begin with. I also had to not regret my past, and believe that everything happens for a reason, past, present and future. To get to this place, I did the things my program teaches me: work with a sponsor, go through the steps, go to meetings, pray, ask for help. Little by little, my eyes were opened and I started having experiences that made me think, maybe life does work out just the way it’s supposed.
But then something happens, where I don’t feel that way anymore. In the beginning it was being unhappy at my job, getting frustrated that I wasn’t in a relationship, thinking if this is it, why even stay sober. I point this out to say this, that when I started having these feelings, I did exactly what the program teaches me to do. I reached out, told on how I was feeling, and put forth more action into working on my program. What that looked like for me was service work, sponsoring other woman, continuing to work with my sponsor, attending meetings, and praying A LOT. Then first thing you know, I am feeling and thinking a little differently, like hey, maybe life really IS working out the way it’s supposed to. TRUST the PROCESS.
Then life starts getting really good and we all know what happens next. We forget where we came from, we forget about the program, we think “we got this”, and we forget to trust the process. I have seen it time and time again, where people walk away from the program for one reason or another. There are those that are going to one meeting a month and don’t participate in any kind of service work, there are those that think church is the way to go and devote every second into Bible studies, church activities, and church service work, but can’t seem to remember the last time they stepped foot into a meeting. Then there are those who do nothing at all. What I do know, is that eventually if these people choose not to come back to the rooms, they will drink again. That IS the process.
And hey, I’m one of these people. Thankfully, I didn’t have to take a drink over it, but there was a time where I did get away from the rooms and this program and I started thinking I was normal. For me, that is a dangerous place to be. Because at that point, whether I’m doing nothing, or if I am only doing something else, like church, I have stopped trusting the process. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against church. I go to church. But the key is that I do that to enhance my spiritual life, while I am still strongly participating in the program, with service work, sponsoring other women, and attending meetings. The reason I do this is because this is the only place I am reminded of who I am. This is the only place that I find true relief, peace, hope, and joy. This is where I learn to trust the process.
So, guess what? I’m still working on trusting the process today. I have to be real. Sometimes I have doubts. Sometimes I wish things were easier. Sometimes I wish things would go my way. Sometimes I get frustrated, overwhelmed, sad, and angry. But I can turn to my program and I remember that I’m not in this alone. I remember I have a God, and many people loving, supporting, and guiding me. I remember that I can be of service today. And I can think back on all the times that I knew without a doubt, that everything happened for a reason. I see the events in my past happening the way they did, thinking the world was over at the time, then, watching them turn into something even more beautiful today. But just because I have a few 24 hours under my belt, doesn’t mean I won’t forget. So, I keep coming back, to hear what I need to hear, and be of service where I can. This is how I trust the process.
Wow, that used to be a super tough question, and honestly it can still sometimes be, because the truth of the matter is that I’m super selfish. Our book tells me this is the root of my problems, selfishness, self-centered. So, what do I do to combat that? Specifically we are told that we are supposed to help people and I guess the reason why this has been brought more to my attention lately is from sponsoring the number of women I am. 4 is definitely a good amount for me and honestly it takes a lot of time and effort to talk to them on the phone, answer their texts, and meet with them on a regular basis. I do enjoy this kind of work for the most part, but I would be lying if I said I loved it all the time. Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to be bothered, and I don’t want to take time away from something that I would rather be doing, which sometimes is nothing at all.
So, why do I do it? Selfishly I do this kind of work because it keeps me SOBER and I have determined that service work has to be a part of my daily life. Of course this isn’t the only thing the book tells me to do to stay sober. I am supposed to grow in my connection with God, work on myself, apologize when wrong, and attempt to be a productive member of society. However without service work (of any kind), I know I would surely drink. Plus, this is everything our book describes that we are supposed to do and continue to do, once we get sober. We GIVE IT AWAY.
My question to you, is what have you given away today? And let’s make this clear, I’m not talking about helping your kids, your spouse, your pets, your parents, siblings, etc, because honestly at this point, I’m pretty sure that should be a given. Of course not to say that that doesn’t mean something too. Most certainly it does, but the way I look at it, that kind of work is still a little bit selfish, don’t you think? When I am helping my husband and my dogs, I am trying to help myself too. I make food, I clean, I take care of the household because it gives me a sense of purpose AND a happy home is with everyone happy in it, right? So, the point I am trying to make is that in a sense, I do this work selfishly.
What I am really talking about is asking the question, what have you done for someone else today, someone new in recovery, a stranger at the grocery store, a colleague, a co-worker, a friend? Have you reached out to someone and asked them how their day was? Have you helped a co-worker with work they missed while out? Have you held the door open or let someone cut you in line at the grocery store? Have you picked an item up off the parking lot ground for someone who dropped it? Have you thanked a colleague for helping you with something? Have you answered the phone when a sponsee has called, or an even better question (if you are in recovery) is, are you even sponsoring anyone? Have you taken a meeting into the jail, Detox facility, out-patient classes, or DMV classes? Who have you helped today?
I’m not saying you have to do all these things, but what about one of them just for today? What motives do you have behind doing these things? What do you get out of it? Is any part of it selfish? For me, I can honestly say that the most selfish part of doing these things is so I get to stay sober. I know that I have to keep doing everything this program has taught me from the beginning to better myself, to be helpful and to stay sober. I can’t forget that. This is MY purpose today.
So, speaking of the truth, where is it these days? How do we find it? I can tell you exactly where you can’t find it is anywhere on social media. If that is what you are looking for, maybe try a face to face conversation and you might have more luck.
Something that I always say when I am getting ready to speak in a meeting is that I am going to share from the heart, to speak my truth and show my realness and that is what I choose to do in my life as a whole. Granted, I’m not going to be complaining to everyone about my life issues or annoyances, just like I wouldn’t shout in the middle of Wal-Mart, my gratitudes and everything I am thankful for, but I do believe when you are sitting down with your family, close friends, and especially sponsees and others you are wanting to be able to help, you KEEP IT REAL.
How did our society turn into this? Where everything is online and what we show online is nothing short of perfection. Do we feel like we have to post something every day? And how do we feel when enough people aren’t commenting and liking our photos and posts? Did we tell ourselves that we are posting to let friends know where we are at in life, but instead feel like we have something to prove? Do we want to show off all the cool things that are happening in our lives to make others feel envious? Do we feel like we have to be better than the next person, that the grass is greener on OUR side?
These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for awhile now, because honestly, I used to be one of these people in a way. I felt like I was important when I got to show off my “oh so wonderful life”. I felt a rush when I would look to see how many people liked the post, then check it an hour later to see how many MORE people liked the post. Because of my thought processes lately, I have chosen not to post like I used to on social media, not to keep checking it every 5 minutes to see what people are saying about it. Because here is the TRUTH of it, NOONE’S life is that perfect. It’s just not possible. Life happens, so let’s start being real about it.
One of the reasons I have been thinking about this lately, is because my husband and I just recently watched the Netflix documentary about the Watts family, saddest thing in the world. My point with this is seeing if you paid attention to the differences in the social media posts verses the texts in this show. The fake verses the realness. You will NEVER know what is truly going on in person’s life if you are just watching their social media accounts.
My question is, how can you respect, look up to, and idolize, anyone who behaves in that manner? Something that I have been taught from the very beginning of my recovery is that we find the “winners” and those are the ones we stick with. Today, I think I have a much better understanding of that. The “winners” doesn’t mean their life is perfect, or they make you believe their life is perfect, it’s the ones who stay real and aren’t afraid to tell you what is really going on in their lives. Isn’t that where the venerability comes from? Putting it all out there: the good, the bad, and the ugly. The way I look at it, is that’s what I want to share with those who are just getting started on this sober life journey and really anyone else. If I was to tell them that it’s all up from here, they would be sorely mistaken, and if they happened to glance at other sober people’s social media, then most likely they will think they are doing something wrong, especially when they have a bad day, because trust me those days will come.
I’m not saying that everything on social media is a lie, and that life isn’t wonderful and we don’t have amazing, magical things happen to us, but is flaunting it on Facebook what it’s all about? Or is there more to life than that? What if we talked about God on social media? What if we talked about our struggles? What if we talked about our blessings and offered for everyone to join in to include their blessings? What if we talked about what we stand for and what are passions are? Not in a condemning and argumentative way, just saying, hey this is how I feel and if someone feels differently then that’s cool too. What if we helped people on social media instead of hurting them, even if we THINK we aren’t hurting anyone? Maybe instead of posting all over social media, we should spend time with our family, take pictures, and put them in a scrapbook for us as a family to look at. Maybe we should start a book study and invite friends over to discuss it. Maybe we should reach out to others and ask how their day is? Maybe we should stop and smell the roses. Maybe we should get a dose of humility.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do any of this perfectly, but the more I grow in my recovery, the more awareness I receive, not only about myself, but the people I choose to surround myself with, and the actions I decide to partake in. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want people to look at my social media account and think, “wow, she must have a perfect life”. I want them to see the real me and my real life experiences and think if she can do it, then maybe I can do it too.
And I’m back. Life is busy…very busy. And a lot has happened on here since the last time I talked to you guys. I don’t have all the time in the world anymore. Not like I had all the time in the world before, but with life these days, my free time is truly pretty limited. So, let’s talk about that. I feel like as an alcoholic in recovery, life can be even more demanding and more hectic, than perhaps of a normal person. It’s not just the work and family..its work, family, and all things recovery.
Since the last time I blogged, the biggest thing in my life is that my husband and I took over a company. Yes, that’s right, we OWN a company. Take that one in, Laura. I still can’t believe it myself. Finally and at last, we feel so much more financially stable now and so far, it looks like it will continue that way for the foreseeable future. There are so many pros about owning your own company. You get to make your own hours, hire your own employees, bring in as much or as little money as you want, take a vacation when you want, and actually have holidays. The downside about owning a business is, well, everything else.
My husband is the manual labor worker of our team, so he hires, trains, and works his butt off everyday providing for our family. Once he is done working for the day, then he goes on price quotes and makes phone calls well into the evening. He even works on Saturdays AND an occasional Sunday (the day of rest!). Me on the other hand, I have TWO jobs, actually let’s make that, 3 jobs. I work a full time job, I do all the back end work for the business, and I take care of our household. On a daily basis, I am working 8-5, coming home to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of the dogs, take care of household paperwork and bills, THEN do all the business paperwork. This includes and is not limited to, our marketing tactics, paying estimated taxes, paying employee taxes, paying unemployment, making deposits, conducting payroll, making sure everything organized and keeping up with our trusty business helpers with quarterly reports, liability, insurance, etc. and let’s not forget that I have gone out a handful of times in the field as well, on, you guessed it, Saturday and Sunday, making my work day a 7 day week.
But of course, we can’t forget the recovery part, as well. This includes for myself and my husband, going to meetings, saying “yes” when we are asked to do things in the program, AND having 4 sponsees, EACH. If nobody knows what that entails, let me tell you, it’s some hard damn work. First, I have to keep myself sane enough to actually be able to try to help these people, then I have to find time to meet with these girls every week, individually. And let’s not forget about the texts and phone calls I get from them throughout the day.
I say all that, to say this. My life is busy and it’s consisted of very hard work on a daily basis. Something I hear more often than I would like is the phrase, “only people with kids would understand how busy it gets”. I want to make something very clear, that just because I don’t have children, doesn’t mean I don’t understand, or that I’m not just as busy. My first thought to these comments are “well YOU don’t understand what it is like to own a home, have a couple of dogs, OWN a business, work multiple jobs, or have sponsees”, but I suppose that is not a very spiritual thing to say either. So, instead, I say nothing at all. But isn’t that the truth? How can we say something like that, when we really have no idea what the person next to us is going through, what their life is all about, or what their truth really is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that parents aren’t hardworking individuals, but I truly don’t think its fair to compare that to anything else, like, just because I’m a parent means I’ve already done the hardest thing in the world. Maybe for you, but maybe for others something else was harder, like getting sober, buying a house, owning a company, getting married, going to prison. Maybe we should be saying, “hey this is what I’m going through and you know what, its hard”. Period. Why does everything have to have a judgement and a comparison?
Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to
show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have
been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory
lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness
(even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect
on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now
that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles
that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own,
the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond
ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the
restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I
have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was
physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have
the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for
me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the
present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my
couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I
was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I
think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed,
and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never
been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been
constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and
down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten
better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy
and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself.
I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am
rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband
where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes,
dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I
have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give
kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so
freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down
and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single
day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”,
but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up
and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than
when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it
be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only
based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green
and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my
life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world.
Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and
not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine
through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then
maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and
listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day.
If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults
and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses
and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss
my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
