My husband and I heard an interesting church sermon about a
week ago. The pastor was talking about how life is unfair, yet we walk around
thinking that it should be fair. He was referring to how we act when bad things
happen in our life. The first thing we do when something bad happens is ask “why
did this happen to me”, like the world is out to get us. What the pastor
explained is that life is unfair because of sin, but there is a just and loving
God personally involved that will work things out in His way and His time. God
does not punish us, but He will see us through whatever comes our way.
I guess the reason I bring this up today, is one, its
something I have been thinking about, and two, of what happened today. Our
water at our house has been acting strangely for the past couple of weeks, not
getting as hot as it usually is on some days, then fine on other days. We didn’t
think too much of it, until my husband finally went under the house this
morning to find the entire crawl space soaking wet, pipes busted, water heater
busted, insulation coming down, possible floor damage, top to bottom wet, the
whole nine. I woke up to this and the very first thought I had was “life is
unfair” and even chuckled a little. I don’t know why that was my first thought,
but maybe it was God.
Normally it would be “why us?”. We have had so many other problems,
another pipe has busted in the past, we had to change thermostats on our water
heater because we had no hot water, our cars have broken down I don’t know how
many times, the dogs have run away multiple times, we have gotten in several
car accidents, my husband has had 3 leg surgeries, we have had work done on our
heating and air system because its old and needs a lot of help, both my husband
and I have had doctor appointments after doctor appointments, lots of medical tests
done, the list could go on and on about the “problems” we have had, all the
while trying to stay sober one day at a time. Trying to be responsible adults
and take care of things when they arise, instead of completely ignoring them
like we did in the past.
Life is hard. When I was still drinking, that is how I thought
it was supposed to be. Then when I got sober, I thought that magically all life
problems would go away because I was trying to do the next right thing and I
didn’t deserve karma anymore. When we still had problems sober, I got mad, because
I didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be. What I am beginning to
realize now, is that is life. Life is unfair, so let’s stop walking around thinking
that it is supposed to be fair and that everything is supposed to go our way.
What do we do with the “unfair?” We take it by the horns, ask God for help to see us through and guide us in the right direction, and take what we need to do one day, one step at a time. So, what if we have to replace all the piping in our house, we have to replace all the insulation in the crawl space, etc. are we going to complain about it? First things first, we call a plumber and figure out the whole extent of the damage: we see what can be fixed, who we need to call next, talk to our insurance company and see what is and isn’t covered. That’s all we can do, right? That and believe that God will see us through this. Do we wallow in self-pity (which is what I normally do), or do we have gratitude that we actually have tools to deal with these kinds of things? What good will it do to wallow? None, I am slowly but surely realizing. As much as I want to say poor me, that could turn into poor me, poor me, pour me another drink and that will never make anything better. Weirdly enough, I don’t want to drink today, I don’t want to scream and shout, I actually seem to have a little bit of a smile on my face. That’s life!
What I seem to be paying more attention to lately in life is
all its many annoyances. I am naturally a little bit of a “Negative Nancy”, so
it’s safe to say that I easily see all the annoyances out there. If I let
myself, I can be annoyed with absolutely everything.
Just to name a few, I can be annoyed with how people drive
on the road, how slow our food takes at a restaurant, how a job on the house
isn’t being done fast enough, how I wish my husband was at home more, how I
wish I didn’t have so much to do, when all my dogs want to do are go in and out
every 5 minutes, how I wish people would stop texting me about silly things,
how I wish the doctors could actually figure out what is wrong with me, how
long I have to wait at the doctor’s office, how I have too much laundry and
dishes to do, how quickly our house gets dirty, how my husband likes to leave
clothes all over the house, when people ask me to do things that I just don’t
have time or necessarily want to do, when people expect me to have all the time
in the world, when certain people share in meetings, when things get
complicated at work, when we have too much family stuff going on, when people I
need to follow up with wont respond, when there are too many people in Wal-Mart
(or should I say “Hell-Mart” as my husband likes to refer to it as), when the
things I want/need are too expensive, when I’m running out of money, the list
could go on and on. Like I said, if I let myself, I could be annoyed with literally
everything.
But this isn’t how I want to live anymore. I don’t think
anyone does if they really think about it. I don’t want to be miserable, not at
peace, and unhappy, so what do I do to combat this. Well, I ask myself the
question “what makes me happy?” and “what puts a smile on my face?’
So much: Christmas music, Christmas movies, funny TV shows, good
movies that make you cry (but in a good way!), being able to give my dogs a
million kisses, smell their still puppy scent on their ears, and be able to
cuddle with them on the couch, being able to see a beautiful sunset, Christmas
lights, old pictures, watching the PMO Christmas Show that I participated in
when I was a kid, dancing, weddings, watching a good dance, singing, painting,
writing, getting a nice card in the mail, doing anything and everything with my
husband, including going out to dinner, shopping together, going to events
together, cooking together, cuddling on the couch together, sitting around the
fire together, watching a good movie together, or having a really good
conversation, hanging out with friends and being able to feel the trust and
warmth I receive from them, having a lot of laughs with my dad and his family
(which I never thought was possible), eating lunch at Cracker Barrel with my
mom, getting sweet texts from all of my family, seeing my mom’s dog so excited
to see me, feeling good about myself, taking a trip, being able to experience
something new, doing service work including bringing meetings into Detox and
the Jail, having people actually want me to do things and want me to
participate in events (even if I really don’t feel like it, you know how we can
get), having a good conversation with my sponsor, decorating for Christmas,
having a relationship with God, watching a family out shopping or out to dinner
with their kids (if they are being good kids, haha), relaxing, good food (when
I can actually eat it), thinking of things that put a smile on my
face….honestly I could go on all day, which is really pretty cool.
Who would have thought that what makes me happy, far
outweighs those little daily annoyances. When I was drinking I couldn’t see the
happy. Who could when we believed that we lived in a dark, hard, world full of
angst, bad luck, and turmoil? But the reality, which I know today, is that I
have so many good things, happy things, loving things, amazing things that
surround me on a daily basis, that I just don’t even know what to do with it
all. My gratitude and blessings are endless. Maybe this time of year, it’s easier
to see all that because of the reason for the season, or maybe it’s not,
because this time of year also tends to bring more annoyances than ever. Either
way, I know that God has given me such an amazing life, one that I never
thought I could ever hope, dream for, or deserve. So why not give all the glory
to Him and bask in that goodness? Do you think God would want you to stay in
your misery, sadness, loneliness, frustrations, and annoyances, or get to the
other side, open your eyes and see all the amazing wonders of the world that He
has put before us?
Writing this has truly brought me such joy, and I have
determined that I have to get better about keeping these feelings at the
forefront of my mind on a daily basis. I remember when I first got sober, it was
recommended to us to write a gratitude list every morning. A few 24 hours
later, and I’m just not so good at that anymore. Life is too busy, I can’t wake
up early enough, I’ll just do them in my head, but then by the time I get to
work in the morning, I have done nothing of the sort and the first annoyance
that happens, rocks my world. Maybe because I have given myself no defense
against that first annoyance! I watch (well, I hear about it because I’m
technically not awake yet) my husband get up every morning and do his morning
routine, which includes a gratitude list. He didn’t stop on day 30 of sobriety;
he has been religiously making it apart of his life for 3 years and continues
to do that every single day. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he might be
right about that one. Just for today, I will remember everything that makes me
happy, I will pay attention to everything that puts a smile on my face, and I
will bask in the goodness that God has surrounded me with. Today, I am blessed,
and oh so happy.
Something that has been coming up some lately for me has
been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood
from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect
of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.
I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to
alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in
life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good
enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was
that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those
feelings wouldn’t go away.
Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts
like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better
myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not
perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are
just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just
doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something,
can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that
maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better
for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my
spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way
if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can
set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk
into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that
needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to
drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not
at peace.
So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe
good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my
mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe
when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it
means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God
made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.
The second question is perhaps the most important, finding
the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in
fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything
perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m
not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come
in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own,
I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I
have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling
well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs
that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that
anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing
husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and
support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a
God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to
have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the
choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself,
love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is
right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.
As we are approaching the holiday season, I see Christmas EVERYWHERE. Every
single store I am in, I see nothing but Christmas. It almost seems like the
Thanksgiving season has just totally been forgotten. Either way, when you spy
decorations, gifts, wrapping paper, baking items that are all things holiday,
what you tend to find right around the corner, is all things stress.
I remember the day when the holidays were so easy. Let’s start at kids. All
we had to do was try to get some sleep on Christmas Eve and run downstairs
Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought us. Then we would have a nice
holiday breakfast, open presents from family, and hang out all day until dinner
that night. What I didn’t know as a child was how much it really takes to
properly partake in the holidays. What all my parents, especially my mom had to
do for the holiday season: the money spent, the time spent, the planning done,
etc., is quite a feat.
Fast forward a few years where I still didn’t have a care in the world about
the holiday season and was still living like a child, even though I was 20
something years old at the time. Next, we have my first couple of years sober,
where I had gotten my conscience back and actually wanted to start truly
participating, buying presents, sending cards, making baked goods, trying to
spread some holiday cheer.
Today, however, is truly a whole other ball game. 5 plus years sober,
married and 4 + families under my belt, my stress level is through the roof.
Among my every day, ever so busy life, I also get to prepare for this holiday
season. Starting with Thanksgiving, its almost like we have to clone ourselves
to get to everywhere we need to go that day. I guess we need to figure out how
to do that and fast. Then I think about the presents to buy, the food to make,
the cards to send, the calls to make, the presents to wrap, and let’s not even
mention thinking about Christmas plans. We are talking about time and money
that we don’t have. I guess I finally know what it feels like to be an adult,
and it only took me about 30 years to get here.
Why are we so stressed? What are Thanksgiving and Christmas really about? I
guess we are stressed because of how much pressure the holidays put on us.
There is a certain protocol and stigma centered around this time of year,
everything that we are expected to do. But what if we took the holiday season
and turned it back into what it was meant to be, a time of blessing,
thankfulness, happiness, and joy. I thought about this especially recently,
when I went to lunch with my mom a couple of weeks ago. I was flooded by a
sense of peace and happiness, just to have the opportunity to be having lunch
with my mom. There used to be a time in my life, where I couldn’t do that, or
be any kind of usefulness to anyone, for that matter. I thought about how much
I love my mom and my family and how blessed I am to not only have one family,
but 4 +, on top of my very own, favorite family consisting of two crazy dogs
and one amazing husband.
How could I be so ungrateful and let that stress get the better of me?
That’s when as a sober individual, we get to live in each moment and enjoy
every minute we have with our families. Today I have the choice to cherish
these precious moments, take in the love, put a smile on my face, and remember
just how good God really is. So, this holiday season, I will take with gratitude,
grace, and nothing but love. Or at least, that is the goal. I also didn’t say I
was perfect, but thank God it’s all about progress, but perfection. Thank God
for that, and thank God for this beautiful life.
After being out of commission for a few days, my recent experiences have
prompted me to write this topic for a new blog post: “Sick”. Exactly
what kind of sick am I talking about? Well, there are many kinds of SICK,
physical, emotional, and spiritual, so let’s talk about them all. I remember
when I was newly sober, they told me that my disease was a sickness of the
mind, body and soul. That once we got rid of the alcohol and started feeling
better physically, we then had to get ourselves better emotionally and
spiritually. What I learned is that continuing to drink, I was being blocked
from the sunlight of the spirit, but that I couldn’t work on the latter,
without physically getting ourselves better first.
Something that I have been struggling with for the past couple of years is
physically being sick. And its the kind of sick, that no matter how many tests
are run, medicines are tried, and diets are started, somehow, we still can’t
figure out exactly what is going on inside of my body. I thank God for my
husband, because he has been with me every step of the way, cheering me on, and
feeding me hope, strength, peace, and unconditional love. He has this way about
him, that always calms me down in the most stressful situations. I also have to
say that I can’t fault the doctors, they are doing their best, but as the
“sick” individual, its the most frustrating thing in the world. Most
recently my symptoms have been getting worse, the pain, nausea, the fatigue,
and overall feeling of being unwell, just wont go away.
What I have also found is as the symptoms progress, more tests are done, and
more questions are being unanswered, the emotional and spiritual parts of me
are suffering too, they are “sick” if you will. I feel more of a
disconnect with God, more frustrations with myself, my job, the dogs, etc, and
my emotions seem to be through the roof at times. Up. Down. Up. Down. It almost
reminds me of early sobriety. Just like in early sobriety, it was virtually
impossible to find a connection with God, and try to work on myself, without
taking the drink away and physically getting ourselves well first. Now you are
trying to tell me, that even though I am physically unwell, and it seems that I
won’t be feeling any better today, that emotionally I need to be of a sane mind
and spiritually I need to be connected to my Higher Power. How the hell am I
supposed to do that? Of course when they say the pain gets great enough, we
WILL do something different.
What I have learned is that I have to work even harder at these things now.
Do I do it perfectly? Absolutely not. There are days I fall short, I still get
frustrated, I get down with myself, I feel anxious, and disconnected, but that
doesn’t mean I quit. I just try again tomorrow. By working more persistently, I
have been able to find things that I am truly passionate about, writing,
painting, decorating, helping others. It all gets me out of myself, become
closer to God, and makes me forget about the fact that I just don’t feel good.
My husband also helps in more ways than he knows. He encourages me to seek the
sunlight of the spirit even more, because I watch him do it every day. They
never said that sobriety would be easy and they especially didn’t say that life
would be easy, and that’s okay. What I do know is that I am truly blessed to be
on this beautiful, crazy journey, that we call life. And one day at a time, we
will rock at it, knowing that God and the amazing people that support and love
us, will forever be by our side, walking with or carrying us, every step of the
way.
Hello everyone and happy Friday! Thank goodness its Friday, right? I remember, back in the day I couldn’t wait for Friday, because it gave me even more of an excuse to drink the way I wanted to. Tonight, a few years later, I have a different kind of Friday.
Usually I am so exhausted from go, go, going during the week, that I completely crash on Fridays, and am pretty much good for nothing. It kind of turns into my regroup evening, and hey, I think I deserve a day like that ever once in a while. Today after work, my husband and I came home to be greeted by our very large, in charge, and couldn’t be happier to see us, two dogs. They are a mess, but it is definitely a good feeling to come home to. We said our hellos with kisses, hugs and play time. Then my husband started to grill. Thank goodness, because I am definitely not what one would call a grill master. My husband, on the other hand, definitely is and actually enjoys it, so, hats off to him. Keep doing your thing, babe because you rock at it! We made the rest of dinner and I went around the house straightening and rearranging probably about half of the house, because for some reason I feel like I always need to be doing 25 things at once. We had a cozy dinner with place settings, conversations, and laughs.
As my husband went to a meeting tonight (yes he is one of us too!), I stayed home to clean the kitchen and do a little writing. The kind of writing I am talking about tonight is in the form of a letter. A very special letter to a very special person. This person is where I was, not too long ago, on the “inside” and cleaning up the wreckage of her past. I couldn’t be more proud. I knew this particular woman from a few years ago. She was living at the same treatment center that I had attended and was doing the deal. She is such a beautiful soul and we became fairly close. Then, as so many of us do, she lost her way, but by God’s grace was able to find the path again even in a place such as where she is now.
I remember when I was incarcerated, sometimes the only form of hope, love, and support, came in the form of letters. I remember the first day that I received a letter, I’m sure that I couldn’t stop crying. I had such an amazing support system, and I can honestly say, I received at least one letter every single day I was on “the inside”. I don’t think I can properly explain just how profound and wonderful that was. God winks all over the place. Thank God for the friends and family who took the time out of their busy days, just to write me a letter. No matter how long or how short, they all meant the absolute world to me. They were those little rays of hope and light, that kept shining for me in the darkness that was in my surroundings. I couldn’t thank God enough for those people and those letters.
So now, it gets to be my turn and I couldn’t be more grateful. I got to write one of those letters, but this time on the other side. I had the opportunity to be able to give just a little hope, strength, love and light, to someone who I can relate to and someone who I know what its like to be where she is right now. One of the promises that is given to us when we find this new way of life, is that we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. There was a time when I wished none of my past existed, but what I know now, is I went through everything that I went to because that was how it was supposed to be. I believe it is now my purpose to help others in need by giving back and telling my story, my whole story, hoping that someone out there can relate. My purpose is to give my experience, strength and hope as it was so freely given to me. My past was not the easiest, in active alcoholism, early sobriety, or even a few years down the road, but that’s what makes me who I am. I use all of it to share with someone else. I thank God everyday for giving me a purpose, a purpose to shine just a little bit of light in the sickness, misery, and darkness. Just a little bit of light to show that recovery IS possible, and no matter what we go through, there will always be a way to get to the other side.
