Through the years in sobriety I have changed direction a time or two with the service work I participate in. I started at one homegroup, young in sobriety I greeted, led the newcomers meetings, chaired meetings, led discussions, then became a co-chair of the Newcomers Committee. It got to a point where I felt like I needed a spiritual boost, my growth had been stunted, and I needed to do something different. Don’t get me wrong, it is an amazing homegroup and was the perfect place for a new woman in sobriety.
But when you have that gut feeling, you probably need to make a change. I moved to a different homegroup and continued serving, because that is what we are supposed to do, after all. I was sponsoring other women, chairing meetings, was the Chair Person and Secretary for our business meetings, led discussions, and spoke wherever I was asked. I still do these things today. This again, was another change that I needed at the time.
But then I needed something more. Us alcoholics, always need MORE. So I went a little further and started bringing meetings into the women’s jail and the detox facility and suddenly felt fulfilled. These volunteer jobs have been the most amazing experiences that I have been able to participate in. I think perhaps, I have finally found my calling, my passion. Isn’t that what we look for our entire lives? Something that we get to be involved in on a regular basis, AND it can actually be something that we love and are passionate about. That is truly something special.
Why am I writing about this tonight? Well, because I just came from bringing a meeting into a detox facility. Tonight was particularly meaningful because I got to do this for the first time as a leader of the meeting, and 2 newly sober women came with me. One, who I met that night, about 3 months sober, and the other, my newest sponsee, a few days sober. I love being able to experience bringing meetings into places like that, but I especially doing it with newly sober women who have never experienced that before. To see the light come on in people’s eyes, to be part of a first experience like that, is truly a magical thing. I can appreciate where I came from and I pray the women who were with me tonight, could have that same appreciation. It can be an easy thing to forget, even when we are just a few days sober. I have learned that with these activities, not only do I get to try to help others, but it also keeps it green for me. It gives me a reminder of where I used to be and where I most certainly don’t want to go back to, just for today.
I find this particularly moving, because all I can think about is where I was a little over 5 years ago, in that exact same spot. Never did I think that I would be helping people in this way. When I was out there drinking, I wouldn’t help anyone. I was selfish and self centered and it didn’t even cross my mind that other people needed help. I was the only one that mattered. That’s what drinking will do to you. It hides our innermost self. I thank God I get to be the true person that God wants me to be today. Is it work to be selfless, God centered, looking for the next person to help, and constantly taking action to enlarge my spiritual life? Of course it is. But I can without a doubt say how worth it, it truly is. It’s the best “high” I have ever had. A high that drugs and alcohol couldn’t even touch.
Faith without works is dead. If I had a penny for every time I heard this phrase over the last 5 years, I might actually have a whole dollar. We see this phrase in our book, we hear it in meetings, but what does it actually mean?
I remember when I was newly sober, my sponsor and I had gotten to the 3rd step in our program and we hit a stand still. It wasn’t that I was unwilling to do the work, but the God concept seemed just so foreign to me. I am the type of person who has to be able to understand it and figure it out, and because you can’t really do that with God, I hit a road block. I had doubts and there was something holding me back from getting rid of these doubts. Have you ever noticed that sometimes it is just so hard to let go of things in your life that you have worked so hard to hold on to, even if its killing you to keep holding on to them? Let go or be dragged, my sponsor would always say.
Yes, I had grown up in church, my family and I went every Sunday. I attended a children’s Bible Study, participated in Vacation Bible School, had my own confirmation, and of course was baptized as a baby. As the years progressed, I found it harder and harder to participate in church. I tried to fit in and attend youth groups and church on Sunday, but something always just didn’t feel right. As I got even older and started drinking, soon, that was my number one priority and church really didn’t fit anymore. If I was in church, I was either hungover or still drunk from the night before. I also remember that as the years progressed, while my parents always seemed to be so active in church, soon enough the activity became less and less. My mom was the one that wanted to be active and she was on her own time, but my dad didn’t seem like he wanted much to do with it. He didn’t go to Bible study anymore, we didn’t hang out with church friends anymore, and although he still went to church on Sundays, it wasn’t necessarily a pleasant affair.
I had been attending a church with my mom in our hometown when I went away to college and I would go to that church with her if I was home on the weekends, although the way I was living my life, most certainly blocked me from any hope and love that church was trying to provide. I became familiar with the associate pastor at that church, he worked more with the youth and young adults, and when I did finally get sober, he absolutely became a gift from God. I remember when I went away to treatment and to live in the halfway house, he would send letters and emails telling me how much God loved me and how proud he was of me for making a change. I remember when he wrote a reference letter for me when I went to court. I remember when the judge read that letter, with all the others that had been written on my behalf and ended up taking a recess in the middle of court, just to try to figure out how to give me the shortest possible sentence. (I have to include, I found out later, that she actually knew and trusted my pastor, which may have been what touched her so deeply in trying to do something different for me.) I remember when my pastor would come visit me every single week when I was in jail and continued to keep in touch with me when I got transferred to Black Mountain. I remember when he was at my mom’s house the day I got out of Black Mountain to show his support and love. I remember keeping in contact with him over the years and seeing him every time I was in my hometown. I remember asking him to preside over our wedding. I remember meeting with him and my husband, and the support and love he so freely gave. I also remember the most powerful and heartfelt words that he spoke on our wedding, words that will never be forgotten.
The reason I tell this story is because its one of the biggest things that come to my mind when I think about faith. I remember when I got stuck on that step, my sponsor finally asked the question that changed my life: “shouldn’t I be more afraid to NOT believe, than to believe.” That was it. It clicked. I was afraid. Afraid of giving my life over to a stranger (God) and I had no idea what He was going to do with it. I was afraid that maybe the whole God thing wasn’t even real. But then I experience things like this story, and how can I not believe?
I heard recently that faith is not necessarily a lack of fear, but having just a little more faith than fear. Thank God for that, because I think there will always be some fear there. We are human after all. But what I can believe today, because I have experienced it time and time again, is if we open our eyes and let God do the work, absolutely amazing things can happen. If we can let go of what we think we need to control in our life, then miracles beyond our wildest dreams can happen. I was terrified to get sober, and 5 years later, I have the most beautiful life that I could have ever imagined, only because I actually got sober. I was terrified of getting into a relationship again, but instead of fear completely taking over, I took a little step of faith and let God do His work. And here we are, 3 years later, married and happier than I could ever image. I was terrified to buy my own home, but here we are a year later, living in OUR very own home, only because I gave a little bit of faith to some very amazing people who walked my husband and I down that path.
What I also have to remember is that it takes a little struggle and a little action to have the faith thing happen. We actually have to do something, and that something is probably different than what we have ever done before. And yes, there are days that I still have doubts. Like, the days when everything seems to go wrong: the car dies, its a stressful at work, a pipe bursts in the house, the hot water goes out, I burn dinner, I stub my toe, our dogs run away (don’t worry, we got them back), I have yet another medical bill in the mail, I have 25 things on my to do list, I break a candle holder, I lose that really important paper that I needed (and my mind), and I’m thinking to myself, seriously God, where were You in all this? That’s when instead of feeling sorry for myself, I get to remember all the times that I absolutely knew God was there, and how with everything in my life He has always been by my side. What I have realized is that a lot of the time, I was holding on to that fear or the way I thought it was supposed to be, so tightly, that there was no way for God to squeeze through for me to see Him. He was still there, but I didn’t give Him enough room. How rude of me! That IS God after all.
So, take the time today to remember your blessings, thank God, give yourself a hug, help someone else, and take a leap. And don’t forget that just a little bit of faith can bring amazing miracles.
As I was thinking about what to write for today, thousands of thoughts seemed to swarm in my head, and I have determined that it feels like there just isn’t enough time in the world to express it all. But, as any good perfectionist, alcoholic would say, I will do it anyways. So here we go on to our next blog post.
I had a conversation with someone today about living in the moment and today, this phrase seemed to catch me off guard. I remember when I was newly sober, thinking life was so horrible, and just waiting for it to be tomorrow, next month, next year, 5 years from now. I guess I thought that I wasn’t really living yet. The FIREWORKS hadn’t started yet. I had rules and regulations, I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do, and I was just doing the same things, day in and day out. I couldn’t wait for it to be in the future, to be through with everything that I had to get through, to get a boyfriend, to get my own place, to get a good job, to get my license back, so on and so forth. The life that I was living at the time, just didn’t seem to be good enough.
Well, today, I can honestly say that I am currently residing in that woman’s future, and STILL its not good enough. I own a home, my very first home, and I look around thinking, I want bigger bathrooms and closets, new floors, fresh paint, a new kitchen, a garage, a pool, new furniture, the list could go on and on. I think about the health issues that I am having and want to be in the future, where I have no health issues, we are more financially stable, and can truly think about having a child. I think about the job that I have and how I wish I could already be in the future, where I can make just a little more money so I that I can actually survive.
I guess the point that I am trying to make is, that for humans, and especially for alcoholics, such as myself, that nothing ever seems to be good enough. We want to hurry to the future where things can be “bigger and better”, so we think. But here’s the thing. When did we stop living in the present? Isn’t that what life is about, living in the moment and taking every moment in to the absolute fullest? I look back on my early sober years and I think about how much I must have missed, by being so focused on the future, thinking things should be grander than it was in the present moment. Maybe I missed some important conversations or some signs from God. Maybe I missed a good laugh, a hug, or a smile. Maybe I missed being able to just BE.
Just for today, I will choose to live in today. I will choose to be grateful. Because here’s the truth of it, I have SO much to be grateful for. I have amazing friends, a loving and wonderful husband, the sweetest fur babies, a supportive and loving family, a job, a roof over my head, enough money to pay the bills, and a couple of cars that my husband gets to drive me around in. Instead of rushing through life just to get to the other side, I will take the time to hug my husband and give him a kiss after a long days work, I will take the time to cuddle with my dogs, I will take the time to text a friend, I will take the time to talk to God, and I will take the time to tell someone I love them. I want to be present for this journey called life and I don’t want to miss a thing. And guess what? This beautiful life that I have been given, that WE have been given, is none other than a gift from God. That, I believe, IS GOOD ENOUGH.
Why did I decide to start blogging? Well, good question. To be able to answer that question fully, lets go back in time to about 5 years ago. I had gotten my 4th DWI, which became a habitual felony charge. Turns out the state of North Carolina, doesn’t really like drunk driving, and a lot of it. I don’t blame them. In one point in time for many years I was a true menace to society. Once I got this 4th DWI, because 3 just wasn’t enough for me at the time, I had officially run out of options. I always say, that God has to hit me over the head a few times, for me to finally get it. Fast forward to a little bit in time, and at around 10 months of sobriety under my belt, I had to officially clean up the wreckage of my past. I had signed my life away to 13-25 months in prison, which in my opinion, at the time, I rightfully deserved. And I was ready. I’m not sure if you are ever ready to go to prison, but I was. I was sober and had found a solution and I was ready to do what I needed to do. By God’s grace and a merciful judge, I was sentenced to only 5 months in prison.
I spent 2 out of the 5 months in county jail, which is an experience to say the least. Sure, I had been to jail plenty of times before, but this was the longest I had ever been. Was I scared? Absolutely. But, I also knew God had by back and I was prepared for whatever came my way. You definitely have to get creative to find things to do in jail. This was a building with no windows, no outside, and minimal time outside of your cell itself. So, what did I do? I WROTE. I wrote letters to friends in recovery and family. I had the strongest support system that any one human could imagine. But I also wrote for myself. The one thing that I really enjoyed in school. was writing. I didn’t necessarily think I was great at it, But I was the type of person, that once I started, I couldn’t stop. I sometimes had so many things to say that I couldn’t write or type fast enough.
In jail, I wrote about everything. And I wrote every single day. Whatever thoughts were coming to me that day, past, present, or future, I wrote them down. These included recent past, like the experiences I had in the treatment facility I stayed in for 90 days, or in the halfway house I had stayed in for 6 months. They also included longtime past, like my drinking experiences, good, bad, and very bad, my childhood, you name it. They included the present, my thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing sitting in this tiny jail cell, hearing the loud bang when the gates close that will haunt you forever, or the future, my goals and dreams for what I will do when I get through all this. I remember when I told my mom that I had been writing in there, she said “You should write a book!”. I never really had anymore thought to that until now.
Something that I have experienced over the years in sobriety, is I have periods of time where I can feel stuck, like I’m not growing, changing or moving forward. Thank God I haven’t taken a drink over these feelings, but I know if I stay stuck for long enough, taking a drink would be inevitable. Most recently, my feeling of being stuck started after I got married, which was about a month ago. I wasn’t happy with some things in my life, including a career, the future, my health issues, my passions, dreams and interests. I almost felt as though I had none, or any that did come to mind, I was scared to death. Fear will paralyze you into not making a change. But what I have learned is that making a change, can actually save you. Don’t get me wrong, my wedding and honeymoon and everything with that, were probably the best experiences of my life, a high that you cant get with drugs and alcohol. I married the best man I could possibly ask for and I know he was brought into my life by God, and God alone. But that high will only last for so long, and then I get to thinking, which usually is not the best place for me to be.
As I said before, God knows to hit me over the head for me to start “getting it” and that’s just what happened. I have been volunteering at the detox center in town and at the women’s jail in the area, bringing meetings and speaking the men and women, providing experience, strength and hope. I very much enjoy these activities and I suddenly realized that maybe, just maybe that is my passion, my calling, to help people in this way. I have been apart of lots of other service that goes along with my program, that includes sponsoring other woman who are struggling with the same issues that I am, and I suddenly I realized that I want to be able to help as many people as I can. So, why not start a blog.
I had no idea how to start a blog, how many people would really want to read what I wrote in a blog, and I was terrified to even start the process, but God kept nudging at me to do it. So here we are, a few nudges later, and we are writing a blog. Whoever is reading this, I want you to know, that if you are struggling with the same issues I have, or even different ones, that we can all be in this together. I believe we were put on this earth to help others, to love others, and perhaps my calling is to help others through my writing. Whenever I speak to groups, individuals, or through a computer, I speak nothing but MY truth. I want to be as real as possible, so that maybe someone out there can relate to the words I am saying. There is hope, I promise. You just have to stick around long enough to see the miracle happen.
