Lately I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, gratitude, and joy and my need to write it down has been even more overwhelming. I remember when I got sober, they said it would come, they said you would be living like nothing you have ever imagined, but at the time I had no idea what that meant. I think I do now.
So, it’s January 28th and Happy New Year! Goes to show how busy I have been already in 2020, or maybe it shows how much I have been participating in life. I have to be able to take myself back down memory lane to when I was in active addiction, when I was living a life of nothingness (even though I didn’t know it at the time), because that is the best way I can reflect on where I am now. Sure, we can talk about the material things that we have now that we didn’t have then: the husband, the 9-5 job, the good reliable vehicles that my husband drives me around in, the dogs, the house that we actually own, the clothes, the purses, shoes, and the jewelry, the dinners out, THE diamond ring, the events, the vacations, etc, versus the apartment, the moped, the restaurant job, the single life, but what I really want to focus on is what I have now on the inside, not just the outside.
I also appreciate being able to look at where I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually not that long ago. I have the privilege to be sponsoring 3 women right now and that helps bring it back for me, which is something I have found I have to do to be able to appreciate the present that much more. I remember a little over 5 years ago, sitting on my couch, drinking and crying, alone. I remember being so physically sick when I was or wasn’t drinking and needed a drink. That sickness was terrible, but I think my mind was even worse. I was manipulative, delusional, sad, depressed, and negative. And there was no spirituality to even speak of.
From there, I go to where I am now and my heart has never been so full of joy, contentment, peace and gratitude. No, it hasn’t been constant over the years and sometimes even in sobriety I do still get sad and down, but what I have realized is that gradually and at last it has gotten better and now at about 5 ½ years sober, I can tell you that I am 110% happy and living a life I could have never in a million years dreamed of for myself. I’m not flying on private jets, getting to travel every day of the year, or am rich enough that I don’t have to work, but what I do have is a loving husband where every time I think of him a huge smile comes to my face. I have hopes, dreams, and goals today, I have a life that I am creating with my husband, I have two crazy and amazingly lovable fur babies that want to cuddle and give kisses all the time. I get to spend time with sponsees, giving back what was so freely given to me. I get to laugh and smile, give someone a hug, I get to sit down and be in my own skin in a peace and comfort like I have never experienced.
So, I’m not on top of the world every second of every single day and that’s okay, we can have our off days, not so great days, “bad days”, but why not? Why can’t we be on the top of the world every day? If we wake up and say this is going to be the best day ever, will it? Will it be better than when we were out there drinking and using? I can almost guarantee it. Will it be better than the day we had before? I don’t know. But what I do know, only based off my own experience, is when I channel that gratitude, keeping it green and remembering my past, being able to compare it to what I have going on in my life today, every day is glorious, magic, wonderful, and out of this world. Sound a little extreme? Think about it. If we can change our perspectives and not be bogged down by “life”; then our gratitude, peace and joy can shine through us, for us and more importantly to all those around us.
If I can laugh at work today, instead of complain, then maybe that’s a good day. If I can answer the phone when a sponsee calls me and listen to what they have going on in their life, then it’s probably a good day. If I can tell my family that I love them, instead of looking at their faults and annoyances, then it’s most likely a really nice day. If I can give kisses and snuggles to my fur babies, then it’s a wonderful day. If I can hug and kiss my husband and tell him I love him, then it’s quite a perfect day.
