Something that has been coming up some lately for me has been not feeling good enough. This is a feeling that I have had since childhood from messages that were given to me, needing to show perfection in every aspect of my life, and the demands that were put on me at a very young age.

I solved that feeling in my later years, by turning to alcohol. It made me forget everything that was going on around me externally in life and internally in my head, which included the feeling of not being good enough. Of course, what ended up happening in my last years of drinking, was that the drink didn’t work anymore and no matter how much I drank, those feelings wouldn’t go away.

Now, a few years sober, I still find that these thoughts like to creep in occasionally. Over the years in sobriety, I’ve tried to better myself, met and talked with my sponsor and worked the steps, but I am not perfect and my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tells me things that are just not true, like not being good enough. I get these feelings when life just doesn’t seem to be going my way, when I mess things up, fail at something, can’t get everything done that I need to, forget things, say something that maybe I shouldn’t have said, when I think about how I should be doing better for myself with a career, money, my emotions, my sanity, my health, my spirituality, etc. You name it, there’s a lot that can get me feeling this way if I let it. And lately, I have definitely been letting it. Simple things can set me off, someone says something off, I do something wrong at work, I walk into a room and forget why I walked in there, I forget something at home that needs to be returned, the list goes on and on…its nuts and its starting to drive me a little insane. I start feeling agitated, anxious, and definitely not at peace.

So, I guess the first question is what is good enough? Maybe good enough is just not taking a drink today. Maybe good enough is own up to my mistakes when I make one. Maybe it means to apologize when I am in the wrong. Maybe when I walk in a room and forget something, I laugh at myself instead. Maybe it means that I am not perfect and I am not supposed to be. Maybe it means that God made me exactly the way He did for a reason, and that alone is good enough.

The second question is perhaps the most important, finding the solution: what do I do about it? Well, first of all I realize that I am in fact human, which means I am not perfect and I don’t have to do everything perfectly. Secondly, I remember my gratitude and man, there’s a lot. Maybe I’m not exactly where I want to be with certain things, but look at far I’ve come in the last 5 years. I have a roof over my head in a house that I actually own, I have a job that I get to go to every day, I have money that pays the bills, I have the opportunity to actually get myself to the doctor when I’m not feeling well, I have amazing families that actually want me around, I have two dogs that actually seem to want my love and affection, I have the best friends that anyone could have ever asked for, and I have the most wonderful and amazing husband that I could have never dreamed of having. I am surrounded by love and support every single day. I don’t have to take a drink today. I believe in a God that I know walks with me and guides me every day. I have the choice to have a different perspective, I have the choice to help people, I have the choice to experience peace today. And I have a choice to believe in myself, love myself, and love every second of this beautiful life. The here and now is right where I need to be and that is good enough for me.